Faith, Hope, and Sorrow

So my period came today. Normally this would be sad - meaning yet another month that we're not pregnant. However, it's been 4 months since my last period came - so it's nice to see that perhaps SOMETHING is working right down there! :o) Thanks for letting me share.

Better late than never-it's been a busy week! Here are pictures of my little family. I think I introduced myself near the start of the blog, but for newbies who don't feel like going back to read....My husband and I will have been married for 5 years in June. We met through Institute while we were going to school. We have an adorable (if I do say so myself) daughter Skyler, who is 28 mos. old. She is the joy of my life, and I cannot even remember what life was like before her! My husband recently started his own landscaping business, and I am a nurse. I dropped to part-time when I had my daughter, but I still work two nights a week in the neonatal intensive care unit. Home with my daughter is still my favorite place to be, but thankfully (since it's necessary for me to work at least part-time) I love my job as well. Some of my other hobbies and interests include scrapbooking, reading, being outdoors, and exercising. As far as fertility issues, we ttc for about 6 mos. with o...

Some of you will remember me saying that I have been considering accupuncture for fertility treatments. I did a lot of research, and decided to give it a try. I have been twice so far, and I am thrilled with how it is going. At the first appointment, during her assessment, she came to the conclusion that my thyroid was off. I was a little leary, considering that my doctor had just checked it a month ago and it was fine. But I went ahead and asked my OB to order another thyroid panel and guess what? She was right. My thyroid levels came back out of whack, and way different than they were a month ago. Apparently if your hormones are out of whack, the levels can fluctuate, which is why it was fine last month. It makes so much sense, since all month I have been EXHAUSTED, and just attributed it to the winter blahs. The lab technician was laughing at me that I was excited about having some abnormal labs. But I was excited to know that I'm justified in paying for accupuncture, since she ...

Since stress can play a role in infertility (and because I'm in the middle of a stressful situation :) ) - What do you do to relieve stress?

We've been pretty sick around here lately, and in an effort to keep myself from turning to mush I went through all of MM's small clothes. At first it was a lot of fun! All the cute little outfits and the memories that came with them. When I got to the 18 month pile, I pulled out little yellow pj's. I started to feel really sad as I folded the pj's neatly and stuffed them in the tub. I remember so clearly how MM looked in them and how the yellow made her little cheeks so cute and pink. "Will I ever pull these out again to put on a baby?" I wondered. The sadness washed over me. This week I have done a pretty good job of being hopeful and optimistic about the future... but I cried. I felt something close to despair. I'm storing all of these clothes in the hopes of another child, but what if all the closet space I am taking up to store pink dresses is in vain? Is there another baby girl for us? A baby boy? A baby? As quickly as the sadness came, another memory...

Here are some pictures of my family. I forget to check the blog now that it doesn't update in my google reader, I'll have to work on that. Kaden *Update: I recently started the EAGeR study, which is a study for women who have miscarried. It tests the effects of asprin in gestation and reproduction. Although kind of a pain, it has been somewhat helpful. I figure if I can get some help and also help others in the process, why not. They give you a fertility monitor to use daily (which you can purchase at several places online), it tells you if you are low, high or peak fertility. I just started my 2nd month in the study. I had myself totally convinced that I would get pregnant right away, which didn't happen. We are quickly approacing our year mark and it is getting harder each time I see that negative. Here's hoping that next month brings better results!

**I have tried and tried now to fix my pictures and they are just not working they way I wanted them to, so I am so sorry!** First of all, can I just say how beautiful everyone's families are. Such good lookin' couples, and the children - just precious. I'm so happy to put a face to the name! My husband Sam and I have been married for going on 9 years now. I am a stay at home mom and my husband is a GeoPhysicist. I've already told most of my infertility journey, but for a brief recap: we have secondary infertility. We got pregnant with our first son, Andrew, shortly after our marriage. We then tried for 2 years to have our second son, 1 year of that pretty continuously on fertility drugs or assistance of some kind. We finally got our Matthew in 2004. We then decided to try for our last baby right away, and surprisingly he only took 8 months (but 4 failed assisted cycles.) We have now been trying to have our last baby for almost a year with no luck other than a miscarria...

Another negative test today. I'm finally going to see the RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist.) I will be making my appointment today. I can't believe it's come to this. Again. For the third time. I'm not sure why I'm posting. Just felt like whining I guess.

I've been following this blog since it started but have not yet posted. My name is abby. I've been married for 5 1/2 years. Bronson is my husband and we have a little boy named Sam who will be 3 in february. Here is my story. I miscarried before I got pregnant with sam. I was 12 weeks.. started bleeding.. went in.. no heartbeat. Got pregnant 2 months after with sam. Had a great pregnancy.. besides the first 17 weeks of throwing up. Had a great labor, but ending in a c-section. Starting trying for number 2 a year ago. figured there was no way I would miscarry again.. and didn't even think twice about having a hard time getting pregnant in the first place.. since I had gotten prego pretty easy with my first miscarriage and Sam. We tried for about 5 month and finally got pregnant. I know 5 months is not long.. but you know how long it seems when you are trying. Anyway went in for my first appointment at 12 weeks and there was no heartbeat. The fetus had died at abo...

How did everyone do drinking water? I'm not sure I drank 64 ounces every day, but I definitely tried to down more liquids! Keep drinking away! Goals for week 2 Fitness- Add extra steps to your day. If you are going shopping park away from the door (hard to resist those close spots when you have kids and it's freezing, but use the cold as an incentive to walk quickly). Or abandon the remote- this way when watching tv/movies you have to get up to change the volume/channel/pause/etc. You could even walk around while brushing your teeth. Look for small ways to get those legs moving! Nutrition (please post recipes if you have good ones!)- Say no to white! Try switching from white rice to brown, white pasta to whole wheat, regular flour tortillas to wheat/brown rice, white bread to wheat... try switching at least one thing to a healthier whole grain version. Spiritual/emotional/mental- treat your husband to a week of surprises. Leave notes in his lunch/bag/coat, put candies in his sh...

I sometimes wonder how you guys feel about me being on this blog since I'm not currently TTC. After my miscarriage, it took 6 months to get pregnant again, which in reality is a short time, but felt like an eternity. My second was conceived without us trying. And my third took over a year. At this point, we aren't trying for #4, even though we want more. We moved to Lansing, MI in July of 07 for a general surgery residency. We love it here and were very happy. But in October, Brad was offered a position in his specialty of choice, Ear Nose and Throat surgery in Philadelphia. He's been living in Philly since October, while I wait in MI for our house to sell in a wretched economy. It has been quite insane. But when I want to complain, I think of the amazing military families enduring so much more than I could imagine. At least I can call him when I want, chat on the computer, and see him once a month. So, I'm living alone with my kids (6, 5, 2). Pregnancy just isn't a...

Hi! I'm Allie. Been ttc for about a year. We've been struggling with my doctor refusing to diagnose me because I am young in her eyes (23 in 2 weeks!) and she thinks that because I'm young, I shouldn't be worrying. Using her logic, it would seem that if I am young and have problems ovulating then it would seem to be more of a cause for worry instead of less... So we are in the process of searching for a new obgyn. I've been married for a little over a year and just celebrated our 3 year dating anniversary :) We live in Wisconsin, just moved here in February of 08, we thought it was going to just be one year but in the next week we will be at the one year mark and we are no where close to moving back to Michigan (where we're from) since there are no jobs in Michigan any more! These are my babies :) the love of my life & I on our 1 year anniversary trip :) So that's me in a nutshell. I love to quilt, crochet, knit. I am a housewife so anything having t...

I've already introduced myself a bit, but here is a picture of me and my hubby. We were married May 21, 2005 in D.C. We currently live in Ithaca, NY and are here another 3 1/2 years while Michael finishes his PhD in Chemistry at Cornell. And this is my pride and joy, Margaret! She turned 2 November 8th. And just incase you didn't get enough of her cuteness, here is another picture :) Can't wait to see your families!

It's official. This blog is now private. In honor of our privacy, I'd LOVE to see pictures of everyone and their family! Post away!

We have been seriously considering adoption lately. I guess lately isn't exactly correct since even before we had Margaret we knew we wanted to adopt (regardless of our ability to have children). The thought has come up more frequently the past week and we have begun looking into adoption agencies, costs and criteria. Our main purpose in all of this was to collect information so if we don't get pregnant in the next 6 months-1 year we can move quickly to begin the long process. Today I got the mail and was excited to see February's Ensign. Like normal I rushed home and plopped on the couch to read it. My eyes instantly welled up as I read some of the article title's listed on the front cover... one is about adoption. I slowly made my way through the Ensign to the middle of the issue and read the 8 page article. There are articles written by 4 different people (birthmother, birthfather, biological grandparents and child). The whole time I cried. I am so open to adoption, ...

What is one thing you have learned through all the struggles? (Feel free to comment or write a new post)

Well, I had my first big test today. It was one to remember! I was so nervous!! I had heard both good and bad things about this test so even before entering the room I was apprehensive. Much to my surprise it was a big room filled with a lot of neat looking technology, and already dark. My doctor was there already 'suited up' and Michael was given a wonderful leopard print apron to put on (lead of course... to prevent x-ray damage to him). I stood there talking to my doctor and he said there were 3 things that could go wrong. 1. Reaction to the dye 2. Infection and 3. he could poke a hole in my uterus with the catheter. He said #3 was extremely rare, but it did not help my nerves. I was near tears as he described what he had to do and how much it would hurt. I hopped on the table and assumed the 'hello world' position. He cleaned my cervix and then it was off to the races. The machine was pulled over me and he inflated a little balloon and started to insert the dye. It ...

Alright, so here are this week's goals to becoming healthier in 2009. Fitness/healthy eating- Drink 8 glasses of water a day. This week, make a conscious effort of drinking more water. If you already drink 8 glasses a day, great! It seems like every fertility site I go to, when reading about how to be more healthy, drinking water is always mentioned. Water has a lot of great benefits and is essential in being more healthy and losing weight. Give it a try and see how it goes. Try keeping a piece of paper by your faucet and making a tally mark each time you fill up. Or fill a water bottle and keep it along with you. I believe the recommended 'serving' is 8 ounces, so one water bottle can count as more than one glass for the day. Or set out 8 (if you have 8 to spare) cups and use a new one each time so you can keep track. However you do it, try to fit in the servings each day. spiritual/mental/emotional- Pick a favorite hymn and make it a part of your week. Write the words ou...

Since this is a blog for women of the same faith, I thought I'd take the opportunity to ask a question that is on my mind often. I don't think there is a right or wrong answer, but it's one that I am curious how others feel about it. I have my consultation with an accupuncturist tomorrow, and it's the first step I've taken in seeking some official help of any kind. It's fairly non-invasive compared to many tests/procedures. But it's definitely not cheap, and it's the start of what could be a long road of additional tests and procedures. Sometimes I can't help but wonder, "Is this the plan?" Is all of this just a trial, or a hurdle to overcome, that Heavenly Father has given me in my quest to have more biologic children? Or am I avoiding what is actually supposed to be the plan. Maybe my first child was a gift, so that I could experience carrying a child, and giving birth, and having a daughter that is a little piece of me. But mayb...

This week's question ties into our "Healthy for 2009" program (see a few posts down for the idea). So I'm not the one coming up with all the weekly goals- What are some simple weekly goals you would like me to include for: 1. fitness 2. eating/nutrition 3. emotional/spiritual I'll make a list then organize the idea a bit more. I would like to start next week.

My husband's analysis results came in today, and everything was great (in the words of the dr, "really really really excellent"). That is a great blessing for us! He is a chemist and there is no shortage of his exposure to harmful chemicals, x-rays, a bunch of other rays and just some scary stuff. On the other hand, that means it's all me. I am so grateful his test came back so wonderful, but on the other hand, and though I know I can't necessarily control what's going on, I feel like it's my fault. Does anyone else have occasions where they ask their husband "Will you still love me if I can never have more children?" or is it just me? I know his love for me will not change, but it's nice to hear... perhaps because having fertility issues has affected the way I feel about myself. I finally started my period last night, so I called my doctor to schedule my HSG. I'm not exactly looking forward to it. Some people say it really hurts and othe...

I have some cycle questions, and you ladies seem "in the know." I don't know the date of my period in October, but I know I was totally surprised when it came in November a few days earlier than I expected. And I know the exact date I started in November, because it started the day Brad came out for Thanksgiving. Grrr . And then I was glad that I wouldn't start while I was out in Philadelphia for our anniversary, but no, the weekend I was out there, it started after 24 days. And now I started again, after 24 days. What is up with this? I was pretty regularly around 28 days, and I suppose that 4 days isn't a HUGE difference, but it feels huge. 3 weeks isn't a long enough break between periods for hormonal me. So, ladies, why would a period go from a consistent 28 days to a consistent 24 days?

Sheesh, I've posted a lot today. If you haven't already, make sure to read the posts below by some of the other authors! Hopefully all of my posts haven't pushed too much on to the next page. As you can see from the top, we are going private January 24th. I would really like to leave this public, since, like Stephanie said, it would be great to have people stumble upon this blog. But we do share fairly personal things, and I know I would feel more comfortable posting if the average joe couldn't read it. Plus, I'd love to see pictures of your families! Something I definitely feel more comfortable doing on a private blog. Just to let you know, all current readers are now administrators. This should mean you can add people as authors to the blog without my approval. This also means that you can edit posts other than your own. Common sense, but please don't do it. Just to let you know, I have been adding labels to other author's posts so we can have a quick refe...

Melisa, Jill and Stephanie have all brough up weight loss and healthy eating in recent posts. Would anyone be interested in doing some type of "program" on this blog? A blog I am a member of did a "biggest loser" thing a few months ago... unfortunately that didn't work very well for me. But taking small steps to change my lifestyle and habits is a bit more appealing. It would work something like this: Each week, for a specified amount of time, we would post a new goal or goals. Perhaps one in a "fitness" category, one in an "eating" category and maybe even a "mental/emotional/spiritual" category. Just small things. For instance, I have a really hard time finding time to exercise (well, I'll be honest, I'm just not an exercise at home type of person. I like to walk and swim and bike... but those are sometimes hard to do... especially in winter and I have a hard time feeling motivated) but I started doing 5 crunches before I g...

Now that I have had time to cool off a bit.... step back and examine a reaction other than my first (and I now have a napping child!), I thought I would post something that I've learned a long the way. I have a very long history of clinical depression. Without any "major" events going on in my life, I have a hard time being happy, optimistic (to any degree) or able to love myself. Needless to say, not being able to get pregnant has not helped my current situation. Thankfully, only a few months into ttc, I went in to the dr. and started medication again. Looking back, I think that was an inspired move, since the events of the months that followed have been trying. A lot of times, I attribute my inability to accomplish tasks, keep a clean house, deal with the normal activities of toddler mommying, etc., to my depression. It's easy to view the symptoms of a lack of motivation, crying all the time, constant fatigue and just a general sad feeling, as a roadblock to doing t...

I thought I'd share a couple of things I'm going to try next. I wish I was posting this because I had been successful with one of them, but some of them state they take up to 3 mos. so I don't want to wait until then to tell you about it, in case one of you wants to try one of these things sooner, with me! These are some things I've been researching, and gathering info about, because they are less drastic than some of the medical approaches. Other things I like about them is that they are geared towards becoming healthier-so even if you don't get pregnant, you're not out anything, and you may have gained some other benefit, like eating better. Last but not least, though there is some expense involved, I think it will still be cheaper than some of the diagnostic testing and procedures. Here are some of the things I am thinking about trying... A fertility diet: I learned about this from a co-worker. She used fertility for her first child, and it didn't work th...

Firstly I apologize for the disjointed, stream of consciousness writing! This month has been extremely rough on me! Like I mentioned in a comment on Stephanie's post, I've taken 3 pregnancy tests, all very negative (not even a faint line). Then yesterday I dragged myself into the dr.'s office and asked for another one so I didn't have to keep spending money, and they did a stupid urine test (I wanted a blood test) which of course, turned out negative. I am just so confused with what is going on right now! I am a religious charter and follow the FAM method. I've charted for 5 months now and feel like I'm getting a good base to compare against. In all 5 months of charting I have only had one day with temperatures above 98 degrees... and that was when I was sick. The first cycle I charted was 44 days long and every day post "ovulation" was 97.7... with no change. My other charts (which where normal 32 day cycles and I had tests done to prove ovulation occ...

So I haven't had a period in 4 months which is TOTALLY not normal for me. I am VERY regular, having a period every 4 weeks. Yesterday I went to the women's health clinic on-base and they said that not having periods is indicative of PCOS, which is something I have been diagnosed with in the past. She also mentioned losing weight again. I don't know if any of you have weight to lose, but it's been a life-long struggle for me. It's so hard to know that by my not losing weight I am preventing myself from having more children. *sigh* Grieve with me.

This isn't directly related to fertility, so feel free to skip it!!!! Annie had asked me how I lost 45 pounds last year, but a few others seemed interested in weight loss as well. I had a forever long comment typed up, but just decided to make it a post. :) I have a weight loss blog on my Blogger profile. My email is on there too. If you get me your email, I'll put you into my weight loss blog since it is private. All you ladies are totally welcome. It isn't that exciting these days, so I'll sum it up. :) At 5 ft 8, I was 155 when I got married. Went up to 165 when I got pregnant with my first. By the time I had him, I was 205. Lost 20, and got pregnant with my second at 185. Gained 40, and had him at 225. Made it back to 195, but fluctuated a lot and was about 200 when I got pregnant with my 3rd. Back up to 225 when I had her. Lost it all and went back to 200. Had a massive depressive episode and went back to 225. At this point, I joined a company called Medical Weight...

I'm not going to explain everything because you can read it at the site below. However, I just signed a petition against the Freedom of Choice Act that Obama wants to sign as soon as he is President. I know there are many of us here who would adopt an unwanted baby in a heart beat! If you feel strongly against partial birth abortion and all other forms of abortion, please take a moment to sign the petition and pass it on! Here is the "letter" I was sent to pass on after I signed the petition: Dear Friend, I'm writing to let you know about a terrible piece of legislation called "The Freedom of Choice Act" (FOCA). FOCA would establish the right to abortion as a fundamental right (like the right to free speech) and wipe away every restriction on abortion nationwide. It will eradicate state and federal abortion laws that the majority of Americans support and prevent states from enacting similar protective measures in the future. Please read the expert analysis b...

I wanted to know what everyone thinks about making this a private blog. At first I left it public so people could join and see what it was all about, but now that we're going on 2 months and we are sharing rather personal information, I wanted to see what others think. In the next day or so I am going to make everyone who is already a contributor an administrator. This means that you will be able to add others to contribute. Also, if you are a reading and are not yet a member, please leave your e-mail address and I will add you :) Happy New Year!

What is one thing you are going to do for you this year?

I read this in the Ensign and it really helped me. Hopefully someone else will be comforted by this talk as well. This goes in hand with the comment I made under Stephanie's post. I just can't do hyperlinks in comment

Every month it's getting harder and harder. I fall apart harder, when I read the negative test, and it's harder for me to dig down and find that perspective I was once able to find. It's gotten to be that instead of looking forward to that time of month where I can find out, I dread it, because I just don't know how many more times I can look at a test and not see two lines. I think it's hitting me especially hard this month, because I've had this month as sort of an end to my ideal timeline. If I would have gotten pregnant this month, #1 and #2 would have been exactly 3 years apart, sort of the biggest gap I wanted between my kids. I know it's dumb, and I have to throw ideals and timelines out the window. But the part that's getting to me is the reality that it may not be 3 years and 1 month, or two months either. I've charted temperatures, done over the counter ovulation kits, etc. so that I know I've timed things perfectly, which means somethi...

I figured that I should add my own. My name is Kristina, by the way =) We got married in May 2000. I was on the birth control pill, and developed a sinus infection while on our honeymoon (a result of the snorkeling in Mexico, I believe) and was given antibiotics. The doctor told us that they could lessen the effectiveness of the pill, but we laughed. Not only did we think that was a moot point, but we also just really didn't care if we got pregnant. Well, I got pregnant with my oldest son who is now nearly 8. I thought I was sooo fertile. My periods never returned after he was born. I thought that was just because I had breastfed for awhile, but even after he weaned I still never got them back but instead had weird intermittent bleeding and painful episodes. I finally went to the doctor when my son was 8 months old, and during a vaginal exam he felt something up there. He sent me for a CT scan, and they found a rather large dermoid cyst on my left ovary. I was scheduled for surgery...