I'm pregnant.

Yeah. How? I don't know. Well, I *know* how, I just don't *understand* how. 3.5 years of infertility this time, after needing injectable fertility drugs and inseminations before...which, I might add, all failed this time around. So, how on earth am I now 6w1d pregnant? Miracles happen, I suppose.

~Kristina

It's funny...

It's funny how so many things happen while my husband is traveling- Monday, my 15 month old fell out our house window (a 5 ft drop), today my daughter had a field trip that turned into a daddy/child outing... of course, she didn't have a dad here to go with her. Today I also had a cardiologist appointment to go over the results of all the testing I've had in the past 3 months. But the most frustrating thing is-

I'm actually by-the-book fertile. Something that doesn't happen very often.

He doesn't come home until Friday afternoon. There may be a small chance, but not likely. We started acupuncture back in March to try to get a head start on all of this. This current cycle is an identical twin to the cycle I got pregnant with my son.

It's hard for me not to be angry- why, Heavenly Father, did this happen the one week Michael is gone?! But I realized, He knows exactly what is going on, and He knows Michael is gone. It's not just an ill-timed coincidence. I'm just praying that since it happened once, it will happen again... this time when we can actually do something about it!

Round three in my fight against infertility

I'm back and I don't want to be. I think we would all wish we weren't here.
Here's my dilemma in a nutshell (a very small nutshell)-
I have a girl - Lillian almost 6years old
I have a boy - Spencer 2 years old.

Between the four year gap we tried to conceive and couldn't for a long time. Finally after medical help we conceived. It was a horrible hospital ridden, I didn't know if my son would survive pregnancy.

I *think* I want another. Okay I want another but I don't want to have to go through the emotions, drugs, tests, disappointment, tears, and all the other stuff we go through to ttc.

My son was born with a syndrome. We don't know if it was passed down yet. His syndrome has a 50% chance of being hereditary, 50% chance of just happening.
If my husband or I have the gene deletion we have a for sure 50% chance of passing it. If we don't have the gene deletion then there is a very slim possibility of passing it on.
So here I am trying to take care of a special needs child, and ttc with a chance of passing the gene on..... I have a boy and a girl..... when do you blow the whistle and throw in the towel?

My doctor placed me on metformin. I was on it for a month before the side effects were so intense I took myself off of the drug. I always told myself I wouldn't go beyond clomid - meaning no In-vitro or other expensive procedures.

Sometimes I want to get rid of the baby things that are taking over my basement- but when it comes down to it, I want to believe there is another child for our family. I've recieved no spiritual confirmation, either way. My husband could be done whenever. He's shrugs his shoulders either way.

We've been trying for just over 3 months. I have PCOS and haven't had a period in a long time. One forced period (due to metformin) but my last natural period was before I conceived with my son. My mom and grandma all went through menopause in their mid 30's. I'm only 27 yet I feel so old.

So there is my story. I hope you girls can help and support me with my fight against infertility.

Through the wringer, yet again

I didn't think I would be posting on this blog... or, really, I was hoping I wouldn't be posting my own personal, current, struggles here again. It has been over 3 years since we first set on our journey of "sub-fertility." Since then, we had Daniel born March 2010. I have heard countless stories of people who had problems getting pregnant that when they were ready for the next, they started trying early, anticipating the time, and mental/emotional energy. Then, the next kid came within a few months of trying which made their two kids really close in age. I thought for sure that would happen to us.

We had one miscarriage before our first daughter. 4 months later we were pregnant. When she was 17 months we started trying for number 2. I was diagnosed as having blocked tubes the first month into ttc. It was a devastating, role robbing, purpose crashing diagnosis. I lived with that diagnosis for 9 months, until finally, I could go in for some additional testing (that post is on this blog somewhere). The testing confirmed that my tubes were not blocked... at all. But we were still having problems getting pregnant. And had 2 miscarriages. A blood draw showed an inverted ratio between my LSH and FH, but not near double, and my androgen level was high, but still in normal range. PCOS did escape the lips of my dr. once, but he wasn't concerned enough with it to do anything further. After ttc 15 months, I turned to acupuncture. 1 month later, I was pregnant.

Here we are again. TTC. When we started trying for #2 and it took longer than expected, I thought God was trying to punish me for not listening. 3 months before we actually started trying, I started to get baby hungry. I had wondered if that meant we were supposed to try, but I wanted to nurse MM for 17 months and allow my body a little break. As I sobbed over my initial diagnosis, I felt guilt. An all consuming guilt. This was it. That feeling I had was God telling me to start trying. I wasn't obedient, and so here is the consequence. God is up in heaven laughing, "That'll do it."

Now, I have no excuse. We never stopped trying. When Daniel was 6 weeks old, I was ready for another! I had to wait for my body to kick start again, and since I nursed Daniel until almost 13 months, it took a little while. I'm now 2 periods into getting back to normal, and I'm experiencing everything I've ever experienced... only more so. Right now I'm 45 days into a cycle and 2 pregnancy tests poorer. I haven't eaten in days because I'm so nauseous. I feel like I have to go to the bathroom all the time. If it weren't for those two negative tests, I would think I was pregnant. But I'm not.

As I look in the mirror, I see the symptoms worsening. Hair popping up in places that it hadn't before. Acne that is not going away at age 26 and seems to worsen to a painful level once a month. I pulled a clump of hair out the other day. 14 months postpartum. And I'm stuck. 170lbs. I've been here for the last 5 months. I've danced, zumba-ed, and even bought a Juillian Michael's DVD. We've had a pretty stressful few months, and I haven't been as faithful as I should be, but I'm more active than I have been in a really long time and the weight is just stuck. I was stuck at this weight while ttc Daniel. The month I got pregnant was the month I finally hit my pre-pregnancy weight. I'm wondering if that was more than a coincidence.

I have learned never to judge, and to teach my children never to judge, women who are overweight, have facial hair, or acne. Exercise and extra good hygiene do not always solve the problems.

The Dr. ordered a blood draw today. I am nearly 100% confident that my androgen level went up, and my LSH/FH ratio is inverted and off by a greater factor than before.

I get the call tomorrow with the results.

I'm not sure if I'm ready for this again. I had a friend ask me last weekend, "how many kids do you want?" 6 or 7 was always the answer. But as I answered, I realized I just want 2. I just want however many I have. My defense mechanisms are back in gear. "Don't hope, Jenny. Don't hope."

I prayed today, "Father, is there another child for us?" Silence. No answer. But I did feel an extreme love. At least one thing is different this time around. I know He has not forgotten me.

Back and running

Hello everyone! I have decided to break the silence!

I have been doing a lot of thinking about this blog and it's potential to reach and help many women who are in the situation many of us have faced and are facing- that of already having a child or children and then facing problems getting pregnant again. It can be a lonely and misunderstood path to trod! A few months back Mormon Times did an article on infertility and one woman's blog. I thought that would be a great opportunity to spread news of this blog. So here's the plan-

1- I'm going to be doing a lot of recruiting, searching, trying to find those woman who are silently suffering. Build up our reader and poster base
2- I am going to make this blog PUBLIC. It is going public tonight, so if you have any posts that you do not want to be public, please go through and delete them or let me know in a comment.
3- I am going to contact Mormon Times with information and suggest the possibility of doing an article
4- I am going to be looking for contributors/authors. If our reader base increases dramatically, then it will no longer be possible to add everyone as an author. If you would like to be an author and feel you could write at least monthly (or more) posts on topics that include your struggles, treatments, faith, etc., please let me know.

If you have any questions, please post a comment. Also, I am making an e-mail address for this site it is the site name (all one word) at g mail.

Will it ever end?

I haven't posted on here since I introduced myself. It has now been two year of trying and I want to give up, I am sick of holding out hope for a baby and putting money into something I don't know if it will ever come. I am so discouraged and it has only been two years I don't know how many of you have done it for so long. How do you keep going, how do you keep trying? I pray every night for my PCOS to go away, for my body to lose weight for some sort of miracle so this pain will end. I am sad and grumpy, I feel like a horrible wife and mother and I cry all the time. I think it hurts more everytime I hear someone else is pregnant. I don't know how to deal with it and that drives me crazy. I am sorry to complain, but I know this is the one place I will find understanding. I am open for suggestions, if anybody has any.

The baby wave is here...so why am I feeling so rotten?

I feel guilty writing this, but there is a huge wave of babies hitting our ward right now -- and while I love my sisters and am happy for them, I would be a horrible liar if I didn't admit I am really, truly struggling with it, too. I am jealous, I am sad, I am wondering if my son will ever become a big brother.

It's been nearly a year since my miscarriage. No luck getting pregnant since then. And I feel like I'm finally emotionally ready to really, really try again, and to care about it, and to possibly pursue some more medical evaluation (though my last barrage of tests in August didn't really tell us much -- I look pretty normal on paper and under ultrasound).

Waiting is just....hard. I wish I could see Heavenly Father's bigger picture right now.

My miracle.....

Keagan is my little miracle. Literally. How did I get him? It was so easy. I got married, went on the pill, and got prego a couple months later. easy. simple. wonderful. I thought I would pop them out like crazy! Yes but I never knew what a miracle he really was til this past Monday. I had an appointment with the doctor to check if my cyst was still there and my blood clot. He looked and they were both gone so we are going to do clomid, shots, IUI, again this month! I was really excited! Then he got quiet and started marking things on the ultrasound and talking to the nurse in another "language". Then he said...I'm not sure how we missed this but you have pcos . I was so shocked because my original family doctor helped us with our fertility the first year. I had read about pcos and thought that I might have it because I have some of the symptoms and my sister has it. I asked my Dr. to see if this was my problem. He said because I  was regular that I didn't have it and we moved on to other testing and option. My next Dr. I went to had us take ovulation test for 4 months. They read that I did each month. What i didn't know was that you can have a period every month and still not ovulate or function properly and have pcos. Then I have been going to the specialist Dr since August and we talked about it and he ruled it out again. I wish we could have caught it a 2 years ago and not thousands of dollars later but I am sure I needed that time to learn a few things.

OK so what is pcos? This is a reminder for me mostly of what I have learned about it.... Doctors are not sure if a person has it right at birth but usually it shows its ugly face around puberty time with weight gain, painful periods, etc.. Pcos is genetic, my sister who has 2 sets of twins (fertility stuff) also has pcos. My daughters will have 50% chance of also having it. When you have pcos, your hormones are out of balance. Your body produces too much androgens. which can lead to yucky side effects of which I am grateful do not have all of them:) Most women who have pcos have a problem with their body using insulin, called insulin resistance. When the body doesn't use insulin well, blood sugar levels go up. This is why 60% of women who have pcos are obese when they are diagnosed. The hormones being out of wack cause cysts to form on your ovaries. Here are some of the side effects....
1. mood swings, hormonal changes rapidly.
2. depression
3. Weight gain or upper body obesity (more around the abdomen than the hips).Very hard to lose weight.
4. thinning hair
5. Repeat miscarriages. The cause for this is not known.
6.Inability to become pregnant
7.Causes too much insulin in the blood
8. Facial hair growth
9. Acne
10 Infertility
etc.
I am so glad I skipped out on the facial hair growth one:) I do have thinning hair and have had weight problems most of my life, had a miscarriage, infertility struggles, not really acne. Polycystic ovary syndrome cannot be prevented. But early diagnosis and treatment of it helps prevent long-term complications, such as infertility, metabolic syndrome, obesity, diabetes, and heart disease and more but will not be cured just helped.
In reading there are a couple options I have....
1. The pcos diet which I have been following since Monday. Very low carb, no white anything, etc, high lean protein and veggies. When a normal person eats a carbohydrate, insulin levels rise to break down the resulting sugar in the blood. But women with PCOS are insulin-resistant, meaning they have defective cells that hamper this metabolism and increase the risk of diabetes. To try to compensate for the defect, their bodies produce more and more insulin, which can damage the insulin-producing system and make you gain weight which makes it harder to get prego. Vicious cycle huh?

2. Many women also take Metphormin  to help lower their blood sugar and help them lose weight making it easier to get pregnant.

3. Clomid will force ovulation but chances are much higher of miscarrying.

4. some women go on the pill because  it helps regulate their hormones and that is how I got pregnant with keagan....on the pill:) What a little miracle he is to me and I am so grateful for him.

I will go in to the doctors next week and find out more. The diagnoses is bitter sweet. I am glad I know what it is now so we can work on fertility more effectively than wondering in the dark but it is bitter knowing I will always have this, at least in this life and that infertility could be a long hard road.

Come, come, ye saints, no toil nor labor fear;
But with joy wend your way.
Though hard to you this journey may appear,
Grace shall be as your day.
Tis better far for us to strive our useless cares from us to drive;
Do this, and joy your hearts will swell -
All is well! All is well!

Why should we mourn or think our lot is hard?
'Tis not so; all is right.
Why should we think to earn a great reward if we now shun the fight?
Gird up your loins; fresh courage take.
Our God will never us forsake;
And soon we'll have this tale to tell-
All is well! All is well!

We'll find the place which God for us prepared,
Far away, in the West,
Where none shall come to hurt or make afraid;
There the saints, will be blessed.
We'll make the air, with music ring, Shout praises to our god and king;
Above the rest these words we'll tell -
All is well! All is well!

And should we die before our journey's through,
Happy day! All is well!
We then are free from toil and sorrow, too;
With the just we shall dwell!
But if our lives are spared again to see the Saints their rest obtain,
Oh, how we'll make this chorus swell-
All is well! All is well!

 

Does anyone follow a PCOS diet? I was looking for good ideas I could add into my diet. 

Amber's Intro

Hi my name is Amber. Annie introduced me to this blog, she has been a close friend for several years and is now having a baby in January, YA! I have a wonderful husband Josh and a beautiful 4 year old girl Kaydence. We are on our 15 month of trying for a baby and it has been a rough road. The first time around was too easy, we actually found out we were pregnant about 6 weeks before our wedding. I think it was the lords way of giving us that extra push into marriage. She had been our greatest blessing and we are so thankful for her in our life!

Last July I finally finished my degree and we thought it would be a perfect time to start trying. I had my IUD removed and the fun began. It took me awhile to get my period, so we had some false hope. After trying for 7 months my period stopped. I called my doctor and found out that I had a cyst, instead of a baby :( So I decided to work on trying to lose some weight, because I quickly gained 40 lbs after having my IUD removed, not fun! I was able to lose 16 lbs with the doctors help and my cyst was gone when I went in to see him in March. During this time my sister had gotten pregnant within 2 months, two of my sister in law were pregnant within a several months, and two of my co workers were expecting as well. I was the only one not having any lucky. We finally hit the one year mark I called my doctor and made an appointment. He tracked my ovulation and told when I needed to have sex. Two months later with no luck. After going in this month several time I had no change in my follicles. My last ultrasound it was pretty clear that I had PCOS or Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome. This is what caused my weight gain, acne, and not getting pregnant. Plus I have to worry about the insulin resistance it causes.

I am now on Metformin to try and help me lose weight and to help with the PCOS. I have also gone to an all natural clinic, after my hair stylist told me my hair was thinning. I found out my uterus is way stressed and have been taking some drops and trying to stay positive on our long road. I read many of the post on here and my heart aches for many of you, I know I have not experienced as much as many of you, but I understand the pain of waiting and wondering. My doctor wants me to take the metformin for 2 months then come back in. If I can lose some weight and get my follicles functioning normally then I can try some clomid to "shock" my ovaries and hopefully get pregnant :) As for now I am going to try and be positive, try to not worry and stress over it, try to not count and calander everything and just enjoy my husband and my family. I would greatly appreciate any comments if any of you have experience with PCOS or any type of suggestions, thanks!

That explains some things...

I went back to the specialist (honestly, I don't remember her title) for a baseline ultrasound. She got a copy of the operation report from my other dr. and said I'm actually worse than we thought. I had told her the basics, which were true, but things were actually a little more messed up than that. Even though my tubes are open, they have scar tissue from endo adhesions. My ovaries weren't just out of place, they were basically glued down.
Bad news today-the endo has already started coming back and it's on my ovary again. Good news-I don't have any new cysts and the fibroids my dr. saw are small and external, so they won't complicate things. The specialist said the endo is so aggressive that we can try to hold it off and do intervention to have more kids, but the chances of my keeping my insides intact forever is pretty slim. I'm not going to worry about that for now, and I already knew it was a possibility in the (hopefully distant) future b/c my mom had a prolapsed uterus and that can be hereditary.
The dr. also said a positive attitude can be very helpful, and right now we're doing well. I go back and forth, but now that we have a plan of action, I feel more encouraged. It's the not knowing that's hard. My hubby's getting checked next week, and then if he's all clear & this month is unsuccessful I start clomid in about 3 weeks. We have 2-3 tries on that, then the only option is IVF, but either way we have no insurance help (infertility isn't covered).

The Next Step

After my laparoscopy in June for endo, the dr. gave us 3 months to get pregnant. Well, 3 months is up, so today we met with the specialist to decide what to do next. We were given three choices (I know many of you have been there, just wanted to give some info for newbies). Option 1 is clomid and IUI (~$650/cycle), Option 2 gonadotropins (I think it was $3000-5000/cycle), Option 3 IVF (~$14,000/cycle). The dr. recommended, and we had previously discussed, option 1. The prices are just what I was told, so they probably are not standard. I just find it helpful to have some idea what I'm up against, so thought I'd include it in case it gives someone else a baseline to work from.We missed out on timing for this cycle, so we actually have 1 more try at the old fashioned method, then we start clomid next month. Apparently the chances of a procedure working are best in the first 3 months, so we're really hoping this next step is it.

Down in the dumps

In July i knew something was up when i wasnt having any ovulation pain(normally will put me in bed for the day) and on the 20th i took a pregnancy test..3 actually, all positive. We were absolutely shocked! We went and did the regualr appointments and baby related things. On our unltrasound appointment on Sept 15th( 12wk appt) we learned that the baby had stopped growing and measured 7wks 4ds. We then had to induce a miscarriage since it had been 5wks and it hadnt happened on its own. We knew we didnt want the D&C.

I feel defeated. We spent a ton of time trying to get pregnant, then it happened, and it failed. People have been telling me that being able to get pregnant is a good thing, even if you do miscarry, and i keep thinking that the doctors can help get you pregnant but what do they do to keep you pregnant? The first thing people asked when we told them was when we were going to try again and to me the trying was slightly more devestating than the miscarrying. We cant possibly start trying all over again. We cant wait 1 year to goto a specialist. My husband will be deployed after Sept of next year and then we will have to wait for that to be done before we can try again.