The white baby booties
I figured that I should add my own. My name is Kristina, by the way =)
We got married in May 2000. I was on the birth control pill, and developed a sinus infection while on our honeymoon (a result of the snorkeling in Mexico, I believe) and was given antibiotics. The doctor told us that they could lessen the effectiveness of the pill, but we laughed. Not only did we think that was a moot point, but we also just really didn't care if we got pregnant. Well, I got pregnant with my oldest son who is now nearly 8. I thought I was sooo fertile.
My periods never returned after he was born. I thought that was just because I had breastfed for awhile, but even after he weaned I still never got them back but instead had weird intermittent bleeding and painful episodes. I finally went to the doctor when my son was 8 months old, and during a vaginal exam he felt something up there. He sent me for a CT scan, and they found a rather large dermoid cyst on my left ovary. I was scheduled for surgery within 2 weeks and it was removed. Then I was given the all-clear to TTC. I was so excited, I figured it would happen right away. One day at the farmer's market, there was as booth with homemade knitted things and I bought some beautiful baby booties with blue ribbons. I thought for sure I would be putting them on a baby within 9 months. I found the book "Taking Charge of your Fertility" and began charting. We tried for 6 months and eventually the doctor put me on Clomid. I tried that for 5 cycles with no luck except 2 early miscarriages (chemical pregnancies.) He sent me to the RE.
The RE wanted to do all sorts of tests. First, the semen analysis. No big deal, and of course it was just fine. Next came the HSG. All clear. Then the blood tests. My blood tests revealed non-insulin resistant "skinny" PCOS..something my RE said was difficult because usually in a PCOS woman, she can lose weight and begin to have her hormones stabilize, or she can take Metformin that that helps hormones to stabilize. Then the endometrial biopsy, where I was diagnosed as having a severely kinked up cervix (it is literally twisted, which is probably a factor as to how I could not have my son vaginally.) The biopsy was so painful because they were trying to work around the kink to get the scope up there, and I was screaming and eventually they stopped trying. Next came the hysteroscopy with the laproscopy. Once again, nothing was found. I was just left with the PCOS diagnosis along with multiple pregnancy failure.
The RE wanted to try 2 more clomid cycles, this time with IUI. I had another early miscarriage with one, and the other failed. The IUIs hurt because of my kinked up cervix. My RE knew just how to twist up the tube so that it would fit up there. Now it was injectables/IUI. My first cycle of injectables failed. I was so discouraged. It was with a heavy heart that I went into my last injectable/IUI cycle. I just knew it was a waste of time and money. I was angry. At everyone. I had gotten very cynical and I remember pretty much yelling at the RE during one of my ultrasounds to check my follicles because he had the nerve to say "I wonder which one of these will be your baby" and smile at me. I thought he was full of it. I stimmed for about a week, then it was time for the trigger and IUIs.
I was 100% certain that I was not pregnant. I had my consultation for IVF with a different RE at 6dpiui. On the afternoon of 11dpiui, it was December 27 2003 and I was preparing to go with my parents and husband and son up to see the temple lights at the Oakland CA temple. I knew I needed to stop my progesterone supplement soon so I took a FM test stick just to see what it read. To my surprise, it was "peak." Still feeling cautious, I took an OPK and it was positive. I was shaking by now. I took an HPT. It was instantly positive, and not the super faint lines like I would get with my chemical pregnancies. I knew right away that this was a keeper.
My mom came to the door and I answered it with tears in my eyes. My mom, seeing the tears, instantly began her monthly speech "It's ok, you can try again next month." I said "But you don't understand." and showed her the test.
It was my 25th month TTC.
The pregnancy was not without it's drama. I had a bleeding episode early on in which I thought for sure I was miscarrying again. It was too early to see anything by ultrasound, and the jerk at the ER told me that maybe I wasn't even pregnant (ok, so what else explains the HCG number over 900?) I had pretty severe morning sickness with him, I threw up all day everyday. But I was so happy to be pregnant. I smiled through it all.
My beautiful son Matthew was born on August 29, 2004. We named him Matthew because it means "gift from god." Remember those white baby booties? I put them on his feet there in the hospital and it was an incredibly powerful moment.
The RE told me that if I wanted another, I should try shortly after he was born. When he was just 4 months old, we went right back to treatments. 2 Clomid cycles, 2 injectable cycles, all with IUI..failed. I had one more chemical pregnancy. I was on a break, trying to figure out what to do, when I figured I'd try some Fertility Blend. To my shock, I got pregnant on the first try with it - I conceived him on my birthday. My sweet little angel Nathan was born on May 9, 2006. Just 8 months TTC.
This brings us to now. I am terribly conflicted this time. Here I am, blessed with 3 wonderful little boys. I feel bad for aching for another, when Heavenly Father has blessed me so immensely. Almost as if I have no room to desire to another, no right to hope, and ungrateful for what I have been given. I am not ungrateful, and anyone who knows me knows that I pray everyday in thankfulness for my boys. But the ache doesn't stop. I know that you all understand that.
We've been TTC our last baby for almost a year now. I have tried Clomid twice so far this time. I had another miscarriage in July. I'm facing the RE again. My HSG is next week, in fact. It seems terribly unfair at times that I am going through this all for the third time, but then I remember how blessed I am to be able to call myself a mother. I am trying very hard to have a more positive attitude this time.
Thanks for listening.
We got married in May 2000. I was on the birth control pill, and developed a sinus infection while on our honeymoon (a result of the snorkeling in Mexico, I believe) and was given antibiotics. The doctor told us that they could lessen the effectiveness of the pill, but we laughed. Not only did we think that was a moot point, but we also just really didn't care if we got pregnant. Well, I got pregnant with my oldest son who is now nearly 8. I thought I was sooo fertile.
My periods never returned after he was born. I thought that was just because I had breastfed for awhile, but even after he weaned I still never got them back but instead had weird intermittent bleeding and painful episodes. I finally went to the doctor when my son was 8 months old, and during a vaginal exam he felt something up there. He sent me for a CT scan, and they found a rather large dermoid cyst on my left ovary. I was scheduled for surgery within 2 weeks and it was removed. Then I was given the all-clear to TTC. I was so excited, I figured it would happen right away. One day at the farmer's market, there was as booth with homemade knitted things and I bought some beautiful baby booties with blue ribbons. I thought for sure I would be putting them on a baby within 9 months. I found the book "Taking Charge of your Fertility" and began charting. We tried for 6 months and eventually the doctor put me on Clomid. I tried that for 5 cycles with no luck except 2 early miscarriages (chemical pregnancies.) He sent me to the RE.
The RE wanted to do all sorts of tests. First, the semen analysis. No big deal, and of course it was just fine. Next came the HSG. All clear. Then the blood tests. My blood tests revealed non-insulin resistant "skinny" PCOS..something my RE said was difficult because usually in a PCOS woman, she can lose weight and begin to have her hormones stabilize, or she can take Metformin that that helps hormones to stabilize. Then the endometrial biopsy, where I was diagnosed as having a severely kinked up cervix (it is literally twisted, which is probably a factor as to how I could not have my son vaginally.) The biopsy was so painful because they were trying to work around the kink to get the scope up there, and I was screaming and eventually they stopped trying. Next came the hysteroscopy with the laproscopy. Once again, nothing was found. I was just left with the PCOS diagnosis along with multiple pregnancy failure.
The RE wanted to try 2 more clomid cycles, this time with IUI. I had another early miscarriage with one, and the other failed. The IUIs hurt because of my kinked up cervix. My RE knew just how to twist up the tube so that it would fit up there. Now it was injectables/IUI. My first cycle of injectables failed. I was so discouraged. It was with a heavy heart that I went into my last injectable/IUI cycle. I just knew it was a waste of time and money. I was angry. At everyone. I had gotten very cynical and I remember pretty much yelling at the RE during one of my ultrasounds to check my follicles because he had the nerve to say "I wonder which one of these will be your baby" and smile at me. I thought he was full of it. I stimmed for about a week, then it was time for the trigger and IUIs.
I was 100% certain that I was not pregnant. I had my consultation for IVF with a different RE at 6dpiui. On the afternoon of 11dpiui, it was December 27 2003 and I was preparing to go with my parents and husband and son up to see the temple lights at the Oakland CA temple. I knew I needed to stop my progesterone supplement soon so I took a FM test stick just to see what it read. To my surprise, it was "peak." Still feeling cautious, I took an OPK and it was positive. I was shaking by now. I took an HPT. It was instantly positive, and not the super faint lines like I would get with my chemical pregnancies. I knew right away that this was a keeper.
My mom came to the door and I answered it with tears in my eyes. My mom, seeing the tears, instantly began her monthly speech "It's ok, you can try again next month." I said "But you don't understand." and showed her the test.
It was my 25th month TTC.
The pregnancy was not without it's drama. I had a bleeding episode early on in which I thought for sure I was miscarrying again. It was too early to see anything by ultrasound, and the jerk at the ER told me that maybe I wasn't even pregnant (ok, so what else explains the HCG number over 900?) I had pretty severe morning sickness with him, I threw up all day everyday. But I was so happy to be pregnant. I smiled through it all.
My beautiful son Matthew was born on August 29, 2004. We named him Matthew because it means "gift from god." Remember those white baby booties? I put them on his feet there in the hospital and it was an incredibly powerful moment.
The RE told me that if I wanted another, I should try shortly after he was born. When he was just 4 months old, we went right back to treatments. 2 Clomid cycles, 2 injectable cycles, all with IUI..failed. I had one more chemical pregnancy. I was on a break, trying to figure out what to do, when I figured I'd try some Fertility Blend. To my shock, I got pregnant on the first try with it - I conceived him on my birthday. My sweet little angel Nathan was born on May 9, 2006. Just 8 months TTC.
This brings us to now. I am terribly conflicted this time. Here I am, blessed with 3 wonderful little boys. I feel bad for aching for another, when Heavenly Father has blessed me so immensely. Almost as if I have no room to desire to another, no right to hope, and ungrateful for what I have been given. I am not ungrateful, and anyone who knows me knows that I pray everyday in thankfulness for my boys. But the ache doesn't stop. I know that you all understand that.
We've been TTC our last baby for almost a year now. I have tried Clomid twice so far this time. I had another miscarriage in July. I'm facing the RE again. My HSG is next week, in fact. It seems terribly unfair at times that I am going through this all for the third time, but then I remember how blessed I am to be able to call myself a mother. I am trying very hard to have a more positive attitude this time.
Thanks for listening.
Comments
;)
Nice to meet you too, Melisa!
RE is "reproductive endocrinologist"..aka infertility specialist.
My old insurance (we have since moved) covered all of the diagnostic testing, so all of my surgeries and xrays were covered. However, they only covered 80% of procedures and did not cover fertility drugs at all. My injectable drugs cost me around $350 per cycle, and the 20% of the IUIs, daily ultrasounds, and daily bloodwork ran about $400 a cycle. It took me a long time to pay it all off.
Fertility Blend is an herbal supplement. If you google "Fertility Blend for Women", you'll find it. It has vitex in it that helps you ovulate. Unfortunately I have tried it this time around too and it only made my problems worse this time.