Infertility and depression

Now that I have had time to cool off a bit.... step back and examine a reaction other than my first (and I now have a napping child!), I thought I would post something that I've learned a long the way.

I have a very long history of clinical depression. Without any "major" events going on in my life, I have a hard time being happy, optimistic (to any degree) or able to love myself. Needless to say, not being able to get pregnant has not helped my current situation. Thankfully, only a few months into ttc, I went in to the dr. and started medication again. Looking back, I think that was an inspired move, since the events of the months that followed have been trying.

A lot of times, I attribute my inability to accomplish tasks, keep a clean house, deal with the normal activities of toddler mommying, etc., to my depression. It's easy to view the symptoms of a lack of motivation, crying all the time, constant fatigue and just a general sad feeling, as a roadblock to doing the things I want to do. I do not deny that symptoms of clinical depression have an effect on my life. They do. In a very real way! However, one day a few months ago I was at the lowest of my lows. I had taken another pregnancy test only to find it negative. Before taking the test I was feeling horrid and it felt like I was completely worthless. I sat on my bed and looked at myself in the mirror wondering "why do I have to go through this? Will my life always be like this?" It was at that moment that I thought "It does not take away my agency."

It was a rather empowering thought! To finally come to the realization that depression does not take away my agency. Sure it is really hard to get out of bed some days. Sure I want to sit and cry. But those feelings do not take away my ability to act. We are to act, not be acted upon!

Now, with the past few days going as they have, I have found myself at a fork in my life. If I never have more children, if being infertile or sub-fertile is something I will deal with for the rest of my childbearing years, which road will I take? Though this is an all consuming trial and seems to be ever present and appears at the slightest provocation (everything from going to the bathroom, charting in the mornings, being intimate with my husband... you know the triggers) it does not affect my agency. I can choose to be happy, and though it is tough, though I feel lost, confused and even sometimes alone, I can choose to follow and accept the plan Heavenly Father has for me.

Does it erase the pain? No. Is it a cure for accepting we may be an only child family? Not at all. But each day, and essentially each minute, I do not have to fall subject to my emotions. My emotions do not take away my agency!