I don't know how much longer I can do it...
Every month it's getting harder and harder. I fall apart harder, when I read the negative test, and it's harder for me to dig down and find that perspective I was once able to find. It's gotten to be that instead of looking forward to that time of month where I can find out, I dread it, because I just don't know how many more times I can look at a test and not see two lines. I think it's hitting me especially hard this month, because I've had this month as sort of an end to my ideal timeline. If I would have gotten pregnant this month, #1 and #2 would have been exactly 3 years apart, sort of the biggest gap I wanted between my kids. I know it's dumb, and I have to throw ideals and timelines out the window. But the part that's getting to me is the reality that it may not be 3 years and 1 month, or two months either. I've charted temperatures, done over the counter ovulation kits, etc. so that I know I've timed things perfectly, which means something is either wrong or it's just not Heavenly Father's timing. In other words, this may not happen for a long time. Not knowing the WHY or WHEN is killing me.
I'm really starting to feel alone in all this too. I feel like I've exhausted my support system of family and friends. They care, and they're sympathetic, but they just don't understand. And I feel like I can't cry on their shoulder month after month with the same problem. It's not fair to them. I even feel like it's unfair to my husband. Today I purposely waited until he was on his way out the door to take a test. I figured if it showed up positive, I could sprint out to the driveway, and grab a celebratory hug. But if it was negative, which it was, I didn't want him to see me fall apart...again. I know he feels helpless, and doesn't know what to say or do. I guess that's why I'm venting to you guys. Because I need to cry on someone's shoulder. Because though there's not much you can do either, I at least know you understand. And that means a lot.
I'm really starting to feel alone in all this too. I feel like I've exhausted my support system of family and friends. They care, and they're sympathetic, but they just don't understand. And I feel like I can't cry on their shoulder month after month with the same problem. It's not fair to them. I even feel like it's unfair to my husband. Today I purposely waited until he was on his way out the door to take a test. I figured if it showed up positive, I could sprint out to the driveway, and grab a celebratory hug. But if it was negative, which it was, I didn't want him to see me fall apart...again. I know he feels helpless, and doesn't know what to say or do. I guess that's why I'm venting to you guys. Because I need to cry on someone's shoulder. Because though there's not much you can do either, I at least know you understand. And that means a lot.
Comments
It's hard to keep perspective. I can't advice you on that because I lose perspective all of the time. All I can do is tell you that I think we have all been there, and all of us understand just how you feel. You are justified in feeling that way, because waiting for something is so hard to do and especially when you have given it your all and still had it fail. Just know that it's not YOU who is failing...it's the circumstance and whether we like to admit it or not, we have very little control. Which is the frustrating part.
::::HUGS:::: to you
I can relate to all that you said. What helped me when I got to this point is reading out of the scriptures. I am so grateful HF put stories on infertility in the scriptures for us women to relate to. The two off hand I can think of: Abraham and Sarah and Jacob and Rebecca. Especially the later.
I read this story and kept in my mind at all times. When I was feeling at my worst I just remember some of the quotes."give me children lest I die..." This helped me know that I wasn't the only one going through agony in wanting child. The next part - "God remembered Rachel" really hit me hard. I changed it a little and it became my slogan for the hardest times. I would sit weeping on the bathroom floor with the test lying next to me repeating this over again. Until I felt comfortable enough to move on.
Then of course I would think of the fact that she was 90 when she did finally conceive and this of course just made me laugh. (remember 90 back then, isn't the same as our 90 nowadays :D)
"And God Remembered Hope" - and he did, not in my time frame, but in his. Which can be the worst when you don't look at it in perspective.
I was thinking today about blessings and time frames, and it really struck me how blessings out side of the Lord's time frame become trials and challenges. Hang in there sweetie!!
God will remember Stephanie. It just may take longer, or be in a way that you didn't expect.