Faith, Hope, and Sorrow

Well, I had my ultrasound today and the baby looks great. I'm not sure how far along I am, but we saw the heartbeat and I know I'm somewhere around 10 weeks. As a celebration I am going to host a give away! Some items are new, some are used, some are new but leftover. The winner can take the whole package or pick what they want and I'll post the rest up for another drawing. To enter, just leave a comment and I'll print out all the names of the people who commented and have my helper draw a name :) I'm going out of town, so you have a long time to enter! Please have all entries in by September 8th. Winner will be announced soon after. Here are the goods up for grabs. -1 First Response pregnancy test (exp. 6/2010) -1 clear plan digital fertility monitor (uses clear blue test strips. Unfortunately since it was used, it may take a few months for it to start adjusting to your cycle, and the strips are a bit pricey but it can be another help) -18 ovulation test strips (ex...

Thank you for your comments. I was able to miscarry naturally at home over the weekend. I had an ultrasound today and they said everything looked fine. I am relieved that I didn't have to have the procedure and I am hoping that now I will be able to let go and try to move on. I want to be able to get back into my routine so that when we are able to start trying to conceive again I will be ready. I had read some things online that said I might see the babies and that burying them was a good way to have closure. Once I got that idea in my head I felt disappointed that I wasn't able to see my babies. I'm not sure whether it would have been a good idea, but it's hard to let go. I'm not sure that I have really dealt with the fact that my pregnancy is completely over. Thanks for letting me vent my feelings. I was also wondering what experience others had with the natural miscarriage. I did not expect it to be so painful, I wish there had been more information o...

Today as I drove down the street, I saw a couple (unmarried) walking, holding hands. I found myself envying them! I thought "they don't have to worry about fertility issues! It's probably the last thing on their mind." I wouldn't trade Margaret for anything! But I wish I could just not worry, just forget. Today I had my first OB appointment. Long story, but they made a mistake when I called them and scheduled me with a dr. that doesn't see pregnant women and so today was my first appointment. I found out I was pregnant July 9th. I had two beta HcG tests, and a progestrone test and they looked WONDERFUL! Everything looked great! The last HcG test was done July 23 and when the dr. called me to tell me the results, he said "Well, this is the real thing! It looks great!" I explained to the nurse practitioner who saw me that my last period was may 22, but it wasn't an acurate indicator since I had a pregnancy test when my period was due and it was neg...

I recently found out that my babies heart's stopped beating around week seven. I thought I was 12 weeks pregnant when they did the ultrasound. This was last wednesday and I have been trying to get in for a D&C procedure. We are no longer covered under school insurance, our last day was Sunday. I didn't think that we would be able to afford the procedure, but I didn't think that I had any other options either. We were finally able to talk to a doctor on Monday and I found out that a natural miscarriage was possible also. I haven't been able to decide how long is too long to wait for this to happen naturally and I was wondering if anyone knew pros or cons for either option. I have been so concerned about taking care of this that I haven't even stopped to think about what is happening I just feel so anxious. Any information would be so helpful. Thanks.

Our RS lesson last week was about friends, and one of the things we discussed was how you develop friendships and what makes them strong. We pointed out that many times they are formed on common interest, and some of our closest friends have helped us through our hardest times. Yesterday I went to the zoo, and had a great heart to heart with a friend that has been going through a hard time recently. It was great to be able to talk openly about our fertility trials and feel okay with the feelings we have and that someone cares and can understand. Today I invited a new girl in our ward to come hang out and while we don't know favorite foods or where each other was born, we had a long conversation about endo and infertility, as well as the little sub-culture of the church that can make not having kids seem magnified. We did find many other little quirks we share, but I think it was helpful for both of us to know there's someone to talk to when we're having a hard day. I ...

Looks like I'm having another chemical pregnancy. This was my second round of Femara and IUI. I got a negative at 8 days past IUI, so I knew the trigger shot was out of my system. Then I started to get positives...at first I thought that maybe the trigger shot was resurging. My RE said that he doubted that. I continued to test and still got positives. By now it was far too long for the trigger to still be in my system. Now the tests are getting lighter and my blood test yesterday showed an HCG level of 11. My progesterone was low as well. My RE says that I will lose this baby in the coming days. I know that they're "only" chemical pregnancies, but they're still babies to me. They're still a hope that I am losing. This is my sixth such loss over the years. When will I stop having these?

Give-a-way coming soon!! Soon is sort of a relative word... but I'm guessing within the next two weeks. I need to round a few things up. But check back later for more details! :)

I have been frustrated trying to figure out with the doctors why I am not getting pregnant the last 23 months. I almost want to find something so it can be fixed. I have been looking forward to getting the dye test because I was pretty sure that my fallopian tubes were blocked cause nothing else seemed to be out of place. I think the radiologist was surprised when I got teary eyed when he told me everything was perfect and nothing was wrong. I just want to find something to fix it. I guess we are back to the drawing board again. I sat in my car after and just balled. It seems like when ever I feel like I just cannot do this anymore and feel so weak the Lord blessings me with the spirit or shows me someone else who has it worse that I can serve. I really have been letting little comments get to me and I need not to. Mostly it bugs me when I confide in someone what I am going through and they come back with a "I have a friend who went 8 years before getting pregnant, you're fine...