Waiting

Today as I drove down the street, I saw a couple (unmarried) walking, holding hands. I found myself envying them! I thought "they don't have to worry about fertility issues! It's probably the last thing on their mind." I wouldn't trade Margaret for anything! But I wish I could just not worry, just forget.

Today I had my first OB appointment. Long story, but they made a mistake when I called them and scheduled me with a dr. that doesn't see pregnant women and so today was my first appointment. I found out I was pregnant July 9th. I had two beta HcG tests, and a progestrone test and they looked WONDERFUL! Everything looked great! The last HcG test was done July 23 and when the dr. called me to tell me the results, he said "Well, this is the real thing! It looks great!"

I explained to the nurse practitioner who saw me that my last period was may 22, but it wasn't an acurate indicator since I had a pregnancy test when my period was due and it was negative. So she felt me and said "Oh! Definitely not more than 8 weeks." I looked at her in shock and said "That can't be! It's been 7 weeks since my positive HOME test" Then she listened for a heartbeat. She said she hear a few beats, but couldn't focus on it... I didn't hear a thing!

I should be enterning my 12th week. 4 weeks difference is not neglegible! I'm not an idiot. I can do the math.

The hardest thing is, they can't get me into an ultrasound until MONDAY! So I am here waiting... still feeling sick from what I thought was a healthy pregnancy, but so scared that this is miscarriage #4. I would have rather had a miscarriage around 5 weeks. That way I wouldn't have been throwing up for an entire trimester and planning and hoping for so long! Nothing could have kept me from planning and hoping, but the longer you plan and hope, the more real it becomes. I've been crying all day. I'm just a wreck.