Faith, Hope, and Sorrow

It's funny how so many things happen while my husband is traveling- Monday, my 15 month old fell out our house window (a 5 ft drop), today my daughter had a field trip that turned into a daddy/child outing... of course, she didn't have a dad here to go with her. Today I also had a cardiologist appointment to go over the results of all the testing I've had in the past 3 months. But the most frustrating thing is- I'm actually by-the-book fertile. Something that doesn't happen very often. He doesn't come home until Friday afternoon. There may be a small chance, but not likely. We started acupuncture back in March to try to get a head start on all of this. This current cycle is an identical twin to the cycle I got pregnant with my son. It's hard for me not to be angry- why, Heavenly Father, did this happen the one week Michael is gone?! But I realized, He knows exactly what is going on, and He knows Michael is gone. It's not just an ill-timed coinciden...

I'm back and I don't want to be. I think we would all wish we weren't here. Here's my dilemma in a nutshell (a very small nutshell)- I have a girl - Lillian almost 6years old I have a boy - Spencer 2 years old. Between the four year gap we tried to conceive and couldn't for a long time. Finally after medical help we conceived. It was a horrible hospital ridden, I didn't know if my son would survive pregnancy. I *think* I want another. Okay I want another but I don't want to have to go through the emotions, drugs, tests, disappointment, tears, and all the other stuff we go through to ttc. My son was born with a syndrome. We don't know if it was passed down yet. His syndrome has a 50% chance of being hereditary, 50% chance of just happening. If my husband or I have the gene deletion we have a for sure 50% chance of passing it. If we don't have the gene deletion then there is a very slim possibility of passing it on. So here I am trying to take care of ...

I didn't think I would be posting on this blog... or, really, I was hoping I wouldn't be posting my own personal, current, struggles here again. It has been over 3 years since we first set on our journey of "sub-fertility." Since then, we had Daniel born March 2010. I have heard countless stories of people who had problems getting pregnant that when they were ready for the next, they started trying early, anticipating the time, and mental/emotional energy. Then, the next kid came within a few months of trying which made their two kids really close in age. I thought for sure that would happen to us. We had one miscarriage before our first daughter. 4 months later we were pregnant. When she was 17 months we started trying for number 2. I was diagnosed as having blocked tubes the first month into ttc. It was a devastating, role robbing, purpose crashing diagnosis. I lived with that diagnosis for 9 months, until finally, I could go in for some additional testing (that p...

Hello everyone! I have decided to break the silence! I have been doing a lot of thinking about this blog and it's potential to reach and help many women who are in the situation many of us have faced and are facing- that of already having a child or children and then facing problems getting pregnant again. It can be a lonely and misunderstood path to trod! A few months back Mormon Times did an article on infertility and one woman's blog. I thought that would be a great opportunity to spread news of this blog. So here's the plan- 1- I'm going to be doing a lot of recruiting, searching, trying to find those woman who are silently suffering. Build up our reader and poster base 2- I am going to make this blog PUBLIC. It is going public tonight, so if you have any posts that you do not want to be public, please go through and delete them or let me know in a comment. 3- I am going to contact Mormon Times with information and suggest the possibility of doing an article ...

I haven't posted on here since I introduced myself. It has now been two year of trying and I want to give up, I am sick of holding out hope for a baby and putting money into something I don't know if it will ever come. I am so discouraged and it has only been two years I don't know how many of you have done it for so long. How do you keep going, how do you keep trying? I pray every night for my PCOS to go away, for my body to lose weight for some sort of miracle so this pain will end. I am sad and grumpy, I feel like a horrible wife and mother and I cry all the time. I think it hurts more everytime I hear someone else is pregnant. I don't know how to deal with it and that drives me crazy. I am sorry to complain, but I know this is the one place I will find understanding. I am open for suggestions, if anybody has any.

I feel guilty writing this, but there is a huge wave of babies hitting our ward right now -- and while I love my sisters and am happy for them, I would be a horrible liar if I didn't admit I am really, truly struggling with it, too. I am jealous, I am sad, I am wondering if my son will ever become a big brother. It's been nearly a year since my miscarriage. No luck getting pregnant since then. And I feel like I'm finally emotionally ready to really, really try again, and to care about it, and to possibly pursue some more medical evaluation (though my last barrage of tests in August didn't really tell us much -- I look pretty normal on paper and under ultrasound). Waiting is just....hard. I wish I could see Heavenly Father's bigger picture right now.