Through the wringer, yet again
I didn't think I would be posting on this blog... or, really, I was hoping I wouldn't be posting my own personal, current, struggles here again. It has been over 3 years since we first set on our journey of "sub-fertility." Since then, we had Daniel born March 2010. I have heard countless stories of people who had problems getting pregnant that when they were ready for the next, they started trying early, anticipating the time, and mental/emotional energy. Then, the next kid came within a few months of trying which made their two kids really close in age. I thought for sure that would happen to us.
We had one miscarriage before our first daughter. 4 months later we were pregnant. When she was 17 months we started trying for number 2. I was diagnosed as having blocked tubes the first month into ttc. It was a devastating, role robbing, purpose crashing diagnosis. I lived with that diagnosis for 9 months, until finally, I could go in for some additional testing (that post is on this blog somewhere). The testing confirmed that my tubes were not blocked... at all. But we were still having problems getting pregnant. And had 2 miscarriages. A blood draw showed an inverted ratio between my LSH and FH, but not near double, and my androgen level was high, but still in normal range. PCOS did escape the lips of my dr. once, but he wasn't concerned enough with it to do anything further. After ttc 18 months, I turned to acupuncture. 1 month later, I was pregnant.
Here we are again. TTC. When we started trying for #2 and it took longer than expected, I thought God was trying to punish me for not listening. 3 months before we actually started trying, I started to get baby hungry. I had wondered if that meant we were supposed to try, but I wanted to nurse MM for 17 months and allow my body a little break. As I sobbed over my initial diagnosis, I felt guilt. An all consuming guilt. This was it. That feeling I had was God telling me to start trying. I wasn't obedient, and so here is the consequence. God is up in heaven laughing, "That'll do it."
Now, I have no excuse. We never stopped trying. When Daniel was 6 weeks old, I was ready for another! I had to wait for my body to kick start again, and since I nursed Daniel until almost 13 months, it took a little while. I'm now 2 periods into getting back to normal, and I'm experiencing everything I've ever experienced... only more so. Right now I'm 45 days into a cycle and 2 pregnancy tests poorer. I haven't eaten in days because I'm so nauseous. I feel like I have to go to the bathroom all the time. If it weren't for those two negative tests, I would think I was pregnant. But I'm not.
As I look in the mirror, I see the symptoms worsening. Hair popping up in places that it hadn't before. Acne that is not going away at age 26 and seems to worsen to a painful level once a month. I pulled a clump of hair out the other day. 14 months postpartum. And I'm stuck. 170lbs. I've been here for the last 5 months. I've danced, zumba-ed, and even bought a Juillian Michael's DVD. We've had a pretty stressful few months, and I haven't been as faithful as I should be, but I'm more active than I have been in a really long time and the weight is just stuck. I was stuck at this weight while ttc Daniel. The month I got pregnant was the month I finally hit my pre-pregnancy weight. I'm wondering if that was more than a coincidence.
I have learned never to judge, and to teach my children never to judge, women who are overweight, have facial hair, or acne. Exercise and extra good hygiene do not always solve the problems.
The Dr. ordered a blood draw today. I am nearly 100% confident that my androgen level went up, and my LSH/FH ratio is inverted and off by a greater factor than before.
I get the call tomorrow with the results.
I'm not sure if I'm ready for this again. I had a friend ask me last weekend, "how many kids do you want?" 6 or 7 was always the answer. But as I answered, I realized I just want 2. I just want however many I have. My defense mechanisms are back in gear. "Don't hope, Jenny. Don't hope."
I prayed today, "Father, is there another child for us?" Silence. No answer. But I did feel an extreme love. At least one thing is different this time around. I know He has not forgotten me.
We had one miscarriage before our first daughter. 4 months later we were pregnant. When she was 17 months we started trying for number 2. I was diagnosed as having blocked tubes the first month into ttc. It was a devastating, role robbing, purpose crashing diagnosis. I lived with that diagnosis for 9 months, until finally, I could go in for some additional testing (that post is on this blog somewhere). The testing confirmed that my tubes were not blocked... at all. But we were still having problems getting pregnant. And had 2 miscarriages. A blood draw showed an inverted ratio between my LSH and FH, but not near double, and my androgen level was high, but still in normal range. PCOS did escape the lips of my dr. once, but he wasn't concerned enough with it to do anything further. After ttc 18 months, I turned to acupuncture. 1 month later, I was pregnant.
Here we are again. TTC. When we started trying for #2 and it took longer than expected, I thought God was trying to punish me for not listening. 3 months before we actually started trying, I started to get baby hungry. I had wondered if that meant we were supposed to try, but I wanted to nurse MM for 17 months and allow my body a little break. As I sobbed over my initial diagnosis, I felt guilt. An all consuming guilt. This was it. That feeling I had was God telling me to start trying. I wasn't obedient, and so here is the consequence. God is up in heaven laughing, "That'll do it."
Now, I have no excuse. We never stopped trying. When Daniel was 6 weeks old, I was ready for another! I had to wait for my body to kick start again, and since I nursed Daniel until almost 13 months, it took a little while. I'm now 2 periods into getting back to normal, and I'm experiencing everything I've ever experienced... only more so. Right now I'm 45 days into a cycle and 2 pregnancy tests poorer. I haven't eaten in days because I'm so nauseous. I feel like I have to go to the bathroom all the time. If it weren't for those two negative tests, I would think I was pregnant. But I'm not.
As I look in the mirror, I see the symptoms worsening. Hair popping up in places that it hadn't before. Acne that is not going away at age 26 and seems to worsen to a painful level once a month. I pulled a clump of hair out the other day. 14 months postpartum. And I'm stuck. 170lbs. I've been here for the last 5 months. I've danced, zumba-ed, and even bought a Juillian Michael's DVD. We've had a pretty stressful few months, and I haven't been as faithful as I should be, but I'm more active than I have been in a really long time and the weight is just stuck. I was stuck at this weight while ttc Daniel. The month I got pregnant was the month I finally hit my pre-pregnancy weight. I'm wondering if that was more than a coincidence.
I have learned never to judge, and to teach my children never to judge, women who are overweight, have facial hair, or acne. Exercise and extra good hygiene do not always solve the problems.
The Dr. ordered a blood draw today. I am nearly 100% confident that my androgen level went up, and my LSH/FH ratio is inverted and off by a greater factor than before.
I get the call tomorrow with the results.
I'm not sure if I'm ready for this again. I had a friend ask me last weekend, "how many kids do you want?" 6 or 7 was always the answer. But as I answered, I realized I just want 2. I just want however many I have. My defense mechanisms are back in gear. "Don't hope, Jenny. Don't hope."
I prayed today, "Father, is there another child for us?" Silence. No answer. But I did feel an extreme love. At least one thing is different this time around. I know He has not forgotten me.
Comments
I am here to support you and there is nothing wrong with hoping. Even though I tell myself not to hope all the time regarding this issue.
As I read your post again I thought I would mention this time round for me I refuse to fall into the thinking that I'm being punished or forgotten. I'm with you, I know that whatever I decide, my Father hasn't forgotten me.
I felt it briefly after Spencer was born. How could I go through such a hard time ttc, then a horrible pregnancy, then have a child with special needs. It was almost too much to bear. My son taught me that he wasn't a punishment, but the most spectacular blessing I've ever recieved. The wait and pregnancy difficulties makes me so much more appreciative of him especially on the hard days.
Thank you for your post. I really appreciated it, and it was very timely. You are an inspired women!