My trail of tears

I married my sweet husband, Tyler, in January 2001. Our daughter, Anna, was born on December 31st, 2001. We tried for 3 months and became pregnant. No problem. We declared that we must be a fertile couple! A year after Anna was born, we began trying for baby #2. I've always wanted to have a child every 2 years. I am quite overweight and my plan was to have our children quickly. I come from a big family, as does my husband. I want 6 kids and Tyler wants 10 kids. I knew that our family wasn't complete yet and we figured it wouldn't be too difficult to have more kids. Not so.

We ttc (tried to conceive) for a year with no success. I was diagnosed with PCOS and began using clomid. No success. For 3 years all I thought about was becoming pregnant. Every month I would hold my breath in anticipation to see whether or not THIS was the month we'd been waiting for. Nothing. My husband joined the Air Force and we moved to our first assignment. This location had an infertility specialist on-base and I began meeting with him. We began with some clomid and then quickly moved on to gonal-f injections which soon combined with IUI. This was a very difficult road to travel. My mood swings were constant. We actually did achieve a pregnancy - an ectopic one which resulted in a miscarriage. The infertility specialist finally concluded that I would need to lose weight to have any success in becoming pregnant. And since losing weight has always been my life-long battle - I haven't done anything in the way of infertility treatments since then, except for pray & hope for a miracle child.

This past April we began talking about adoption. We did all our paperwork and left for Ukraine in October. Last week we brought home 2 special needs children - both aged 4 years old. They are sweet and wonderful and we're so grateful to add them to our family. However, the same ache is in my heart now as before - our family isn't complete. There are more children meant to be with us and I yearn to become pregnant for at least one of those children. I struggled (still struggle) with going to church and seeing pregnant women and those who have lots of children and hearing some women complain about how they didn't want to be pregnant or how they wish their pregnancy would be over quickly, etc, etc, etc. I still cry when I think about how much I want to be pregnant - it's been almost 6 years that we've been ttc. I desire to be pregnant and when/if that opportunity is ever given to me again - I will relish in it and drink up every moment and praise my Heavenly Father for that wonderful blessing.

I am grateful to be with you wonderful people to discuss this very emotional topic. I'm happy to be here.