Getting sick of it

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Has/is anyone else gone through an apathetic stage? I wish I could say I just have a lot of faith that the Lord is in control, but honestly, I'm starting to not care anymore. I mean on one hand, it's wonderful. The crying has stopped, the constant stress is gone. But on the other hand, I feel really guilty. This last cycle I just haven't cared to chart anymore. I used to pour over my charts, filling in lots of detail, making sure I took my temperature everyday without any disturbance, but now... well, I haven't filled in my chart for almost 2 weeks, I misplaced my thermometer while on vacation and didn't bother to look through my bag to find it. When I got home I didn't even care to unpack it until last night.

Perhaps it is healthy this way... I am no longer allowing it to define my life. But sometimes I wonder if I have allowed myself to be depressed or go into despair and so my emotions are shutting down. I feel like a big contradiction.

Comments

Dirk and Trish said…
When I get apathetic, it's healthy for me. I go up and down in my level of acceptance regarding why I don't have another child on my time table. For me, "not caring" means I gave up the obsessing, but not the hope. I haven't really charted this time around, and have wondered if doing it would make any difference. Other times, I get really bummed out, blaming myself and the rest of the world for me not having a baby. Everyone!!! is pregnant, everyone has an easier time, etc. As silly as it may seem, a comfort to me is that I know I can handle my 1 kid, where I don't know how I would cope with 3 under 5, as many of my same-aged friends do. When I'm in a good frame of mind, I try to focus on blessings like being able to get up and go, finally being able to sleep through the night (which is new w/ my 3 yo), how fun it is to have a little buddy & helper... "Not caring" can be good, it just depends on how you handle it. I don't think that giving up some control or being apathetic means that you don't want to get pg.
May 06, 2009 7:38 PM
Hope said…
Definitely healthy. I loved the apathetic stages, it gave me time to get rejuvenated. I found it easier to focus on other aspects of my life.
May 07, 2009 11:57 AM
Stephanie said…
I just went through one of these stages the last few months as well, after my miscarriage. This week has been harder again (see new post), but for me it felt so good to be apathetic. I almost felt like maybe my faith was increasing after all, and that I was starting to accept God's will.
May 09, 2009 12:17 AM
Katie said…
I think it's worth it to remember that Heavenly Father wants us to have joy NOW. I have often fallen into the trap of thinking, "When X happens, I will be happy," when the truth of the matter is, I can have some measure of happiness now. Even in the rotten times, there can be sweet things to savor -- the unexpected kiss or hug from a little one, the kind word of a friend, the back rub from your spouse.

I think the apathy is healthy, too -- it means you're not over-focused on that one area of your life. And sometimes, I think that apathy can heal the body as well as the mind. In retrospect, the stress that I was under for YEARS at my old job probably had a major impact on my fertility -- when I finally decided that I could take the job or leave it, but my happiness and well-being mattered at least as much as my "success" (if not more than), things finally seemed to work out in the pregnancy arena. I've seen a similar phenomenon in some members of my extended family who couldn't conceive for years and years, and then after they adopted, BAM! Here comes baby. Letting the stress part go is healthy, for sure.

It's okay to take a break from charting. It's okay to not think about pregnancy all the time. It doesn't mean that it's unimportant to you -- just that you need a break.
May 09, 2009 4:01 PM
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