New Territory
Lately I am joining clubs I never wanted to be a part of. First I joined the "infertility" club. I was getting used to being in that one, and though it wasn't easy, it was familiar territory. However, I just joined the "miscarriage" club, and that is not familiar territory for me. I'm not really sure why I'm writing on here, except that I don't know what else to do. I know some of you have experienced this, and of all people, you understand why a miscarriage is especially heartbreaking when you've been trying to have a baby for so long.
I just feel so lost, and so empty. Aside from our families, and a few close friends, no one even knew we were expecting yet. In some ways I want to wear a sign explaining my grief, since I know I won't be myself for a little while. But at the same time, I don't want to even talk about it, even to the people I am closest to. There just aren't words to say. I keep wandering around my house aimlessly. Normal mundane chores just seem stupid and pointless, and yet I can't bring myself to feel any joy at doing things I would normally do for fun.
One of the hardest parts for me is having to deal with the physical effects of a miscarriage. It's such an obvious, and literally painful, reminder of exactly what's happening, every hour, every time you go to the bathroom. I just keep taking my motrin around the clock, hoping that if I can't feel the cramping, I won't think about what's happening as much. I think that physical factor is also what puts a gap between my husband and I right now. He is sympathetic, and as sweet as can be. But he hasn't shed a tear, and I know it's partly because he never felt the connnection I did, and he doesn't feel the loss I am feeling now.
I know that people have had it so much worse-losing children, or pregnancies that were further along. I know that I will get over this, like everything else. But the part that is unbearable to me, is starting over. Every time I break down, I just think, "Why did it even have to happen in the first place?" I was used to the routine of not getting pregnant in the first place. It just seems cruel that I got to finally experience that sweet joy of seeing two pink lines, of learning a due date, of looking forward to cuddling a newborn baby again. My husband thinks we should look at it as at least we were able to conceive. But for me, it is no consolation, when it took so long to get to that point. I can't even bear the thought of starting at square one again.
Obviously any advice or words of encouragement from those who have experienced this would be great. But mostly, I guess I just needed a safe place to write my thoughts and feelings, where it would be private, and read only by people who can understand. It was therapeutic in a way, so thanks for reading.
I just feel so lost, and so empty. Aside from our families, and a few close friends, no one even knew we were expecting yet. In some ways I want to wear a sign explaining my grief, since I know I won't be myself for a little while. But at the same time, I don't want to even talk about it, even to the people I am closest to. There just aren't words to say. I keep wandering around my house aimlessly. Normal mundane chores just seem stupid and pointless, and yet I can't bring myself to feel any joy at doing things I would normally do for fun.
One of the hardest parts for me is having to deal with the physical effects of a miscarriage. It's such an obvious, and literally painful, reminder of exactly what's happening, every hour, every time you go to the bathroom. I just keep taking my motrin around the clock, hoping that if I can't feel the cramping, I won't think about what's happening as much. I think that physical factor is also what puts a gap between my husband and I right now. He is sympathetic, and as sweet as can be. But he hasn't shed a tear, and I know it's partly because he never felt the connnection I did, and he doesn't feel the loss I am feeling now.
I know that people have had it so much worse-losing children, or pregnancies that were further along. I know that I will get over this, like everything else. But the part that is unbearable to me, is starting over. Every time I break down, I just think, "Why did it even have to happen in the first place?" I was used to the routine of not getting pregnant in the first place. It just seems cruel that I got to finally experience that sweet joy of seeing two pink lines, of learning a due date, of looking forward to cuddling a newborn baby again. My husband thinks we should look at it as at least we were able to conceive. But for me, it is no consolation, when it took so long to get to that point. I can't even bear the thought of starting at square one again.
Obviously any advice or words of encouragement from those who have experienced this would be great. But mostly, I guess I just needed a safe place to write my thoughts and feelings, where it would be private, and read only by people who can understand. It was therapeutic in a way, so thanks for reading.
Comments
Don't be afraid to really let yourself grieve! It is SO hard to lose a pregnancy... no matter how far into it you may be. Never feel like your pain isn't justified! You should seriously call my mom and say you just need a little break and ask if she would watch Skyler for you. She'd love to! And she has a house full of toys to play with!
It's a surprise for my parents, but I'm coming out March 12-22. You and I should go to a restuarant and get the biggest dessert we can find and shed some much needed tears together!!
Keep looking up! The Lord has promised us that He SHALL comfort those who mourn!
I bled for 17 days. Yes, 8 years later, I still remember it all very vividly. It helped me to let myself feel the pain. To let myself grieve the loss of my baby I will never meet on this earth. You don't have to toughen up. You don't have to get over. Let yourself feel it. Cry as much as you want.
And do your best to completely ignore the thoughtless and insensitive people who say things like, "you probably weren't really pregnant" or "you can always have another baby". They've never experienced this kind of pain. They didn't spend weeks thinking of names, enduring nausea with joy thinking of the sweet baby that would result. I didn't want another baby. I wanted that baby. My baby.
I'm sorry to be rambling. I'm hope I'm helping the situation and not making it worse. I'm just struggling with these emotions too,even though my miscarriage was years ago. Hugs, sweetie. We are all here if you need to talk.
There are no words.