My story

I've had a pretty mixed bag as far as fertility goes. I got pregnant a month or two after we started trying. But 13 weeks later, I had a miscarriage 4 days before our 1 yr anniversary. I was incredibly devastated. I hadn't even considered the possibility. Plus, I was in France, so my support system was no where close to me. It ended up being a good thing though. It is what really solidified my marriage. Our first year was pretty tough, but going through this together really taught us to rely on each other first. While I hope to never have to experience another heartache like that again, I'm grateful for what it did for our relationship.

It was 6 long months before I was able to get pregnant again. I was wondering if I could even get pregnant again. It was made harder by all of the pregnant people around me. At church activities, all that was ever talked about was pregnancy or babies. I left in tears after almost every meeting. I remember one time, I had tried to change the topic to a book I was reading. I'm not even kidding, the pregnant girl says, "I don't really like to read or anything, so why don't we talk about something we can all participate in." Uh, yes, let's do that. Twit. As if everyone could participate in her topic. Sheesh. When I finally did get pregnant, I had some spotting and thought I was having another miscarriage. I was so devastated. Then I had an ultrasound, and they found a heart beat. Every single time they checked for a heartbeat, my heart would stop until they could find it. Every time I took off my clothes, I checked for blood. I was nervous to say the least. I threw up the entire pregnancy. And I didn't care at all. I was just so grateful to be pregnant, it was worth it. My body handles labor well at least. I only pushed 2 or 3 times. It is the pregnancy thing I dread.

When my oldest was about 9 months old, we had a single night of not being careful. I was shocked to find out I was pregnant 6 weeks later. I was looking at a calendar, realized I was late, and thought, no possible way. But oh yes, there was a way. This time, the pregnancy was harder. I couldn't avoid food when I was nauseous, I had a toddler to feed. Again, I was sick and puking the entire 9 months. I was pretty miserable. And the gratitude just to be pregnant was wearing off. :) My boys are 19 months apart, and it was pretty hard, but I'm so glad because they are best buds. I love it now.

So, we were thinking we'd just go ahead and go for a 3rd to be about 2 years apart. I kinda thought it would be easy since our second wasn't even planned. But it took us a year to get our girl, so they are 3 years apart. Again, I was sick and puking the entire 9 months. And I had 2 kids running around. I couldn't take phenegren because then I couldn't parent my other two. Zofran never even touched the nausea. I asked to be put in a coma for 9 months and wake me up when it was over. So they put me on depression meds. Go figure. :)

Now, my baby girl is going to be 2 this week. It is time to start considering number 4. I would really love to have another, but I dread the thought of puking for 9 months. I want to enjoy the kids I do have. Pregnancy takes so much out of me. And I don't know if I should start trying now, in case it takes awhile like with Calet, or wait and assume it will be a first time thing like with Daven. My head just reels with the different scenarios. I'm in no shape to get pregnant right now with the move and the stress, etc. I'm barely holding it together and I'm not even puking and hormonal! But I don't think I could do more than 4, and I don't want my last one to be spaced too far. My head is just spinning about it all. Ugh.

Thanks for giving me a place to vent about fertility stuff. It is nice to get it out there. :)