Faith, Hope, and Sorrow

I'm pregnant.

2011-06-29T09:19:00.002-04:00

Yeah. How? I don't know. Well, I *know* how, I just don't *understand* how. 3.5 years of infertility this time, after needing injectable fertility drugs and inseminations before...which, I might add, all failed this time around. So, how on earth am I now 6w1d pregnant? Miracles happen, I suppose.

~Kristina

It's funny...

2011-06-22T22:04:00.000-04:00

It's funny how so many things happen while my husband is traveling- Monday, my 15 month old fell out our house window (a 5 ft drop), today my daughter had a field trip that turned into a daddy/child outing... of course, she didn't have a dad here to go with her. Today I also had a cardiologist appointment to go over the results of all the testing I've had in the past 3 months. But the most frustrating thing is-

I'm actually by-the-book fertile. Something that doesn't happen very often.

He doesn't come home until Friday afternoon. There may be a small chance, but not likely. We started acupuncture back in March to try to get a head start on all of this. This current cycle is an identical twin to the cycle I got pregnant with my son.

It's hard for me not to be angry- why, Heavenly Father, did this happen the one week Michael is gone?! But I realized, He knows exactly what is going on, and He knows Michael is gone. It's not just an ill-timed coincidence. I'm just praying that since it happened once, it will happen again... this time when we can actually do something about it!

Round three in my fight against infertility

2011-06-04T22:19:00.004-04:00

I'm back and I don't want to be. I think we would all wish we weren't here.
Here's my dilemma in a nutshell (a very small nutshell)-
I have a girl - Lillian almost 6years old
I have a boy - Spencer 2 years old.

Between the four year gap we tried to conceive and couldn't for a long time. Finally after medical help we conceived. It was a horrible hospital ridden, I didn't know if my son would survive pregnancy.

I *think* I want another. Okay I want another but I don't want to have to go through the emotions, drugs, tests, disappointment, tears, and all the other stuff we go through to ttc.

My son was born with a syndrome. We don't know if it was passed down yet. His syndrome has a 50% chance of being hereditary, 50% chance of just happening.
If my husband or I have the gene deletion we have a for sure 50% chance of passing it. If we don't have the gene deletion then there is a very slim possibility of passing it on.
So here I am trying to take care of a special needs child, and ttc with a chance of passing the gene on..... I have a boy and a girl..... when do you blow the whistle and throw in the towel?

My doctor placed me on metformin. I was on it for a month before the side effects were so intense I took myself off of the drug. I always told myself I wouldn't go beyond clomid - meaning no In-vitro or other expensive procedures.

Sometimes I want to get rid of the baby things that are taking over my basement- but when it comes down to it, I want to believe there is another child for our family. I've recieved no spiritual confirmation, either way. My husband could be done whenever. He's shrugs his shoulders either way.

We've been trying for just over 3 months. I have PCOS and haven't had a period in a long time. One forced period (due to metformin) but my last natural period was before I conceived with my son. My mom and grandma all went through menopause in their mid 30's. I'm only 27 yet I feel so old.

So there is my story. I hope you girls can help and support me with my fight against infertility.

Through the wringer, yet again

2011-05-25T20:19:00.001-04:00

I didn't think I would be posting on this blog... or, really, I was hoping I wouldn't be posting my own personal, current, struggles here again. It has been over 3 years since we first set on our journey of "sub-fertility." Since then, we had Daniel born March 2010. I have heard countless stories of people who had problems getting pregnant that when they were ready for the next, they started trying early, anticipating the time, and mental/emotional energy. Then, the next kid came within a few months of trying which made their two kids really close in age. I thought for sure that would happen to us.

We had one miscarriage before our first daughter. 4 months later we were pregnant. When she was 17 months we started trying for number 2. I was diagnosed as having blocked tubes the first month into ttc. It was a devastating, role robbing, purpose crashing diagnosis. I lived with that diagnosis for 9 months, until finally, I could go in for some additional testing (that post is on this blog somewhere). The testing confirmed that my tubes were not blocked... at all. But we were still having problems getting pregnant. And had 2 miscarriages. A blood draw showed an inverted ratio between my LSH and FH, but not near double, and my androgen level was high, but still in normal range. PCOS did escape the lips of my dr. once, but he wasn't concerned enough with it to do anything further. After ttc 15 months, I turned to acupuncture. 1 month later, I was pregnant.

Here we are again. TTC. When we started trying for #2 and it took longer than expected, I thought God was trying to punish me for not listening. 3 months before we actually started trying, I started to get baby hungry. I had wondered if that meant we were supposed to try, but I wanted to nurse MM for 17 months and allow my body a little break. As I sobbed over my initial diagnosis, I felt guilt. An all consuming guilt. This was it. That feeling I had was God telling me to start trying. I wasn't obedient, and so here is the consequence. God is up in heaven laughing, "That'll do it."

Now, I have no excuse. We never stopped trying. When Daniel was 6 weeks old, I was ready for another! I had to wait for my body to kick start again, and since I nursed Daniel until almost 13 months, it took a little while. I'm now 2 periods into getting back to normal, and I'm experiencing everything I've ever experienced... only more so. Right now I'm 45 days into a cycle and 2 pregnancy tests poorer. I haven't eaten in days because I'm so nauseous. I feel like I have to go to the bathroom all the time. If it weren't for those two negative tests, I would think I was pregnant. But I'm not.

As I look in the mirror, I see the symptoms worsening. Hair popping up in places that it hadn't before. Acne that is not going away at age 26 and seems to worsen to a painful level once a month. I pulled a clump of hair out the other day. 14 months postpartum. And I'm stuck. 170lbs. I've been here for the last 5 months. I've danced, zumba-ed, and even bought a Juillian Michael's DVD. We've had a pretty stressful few months, and I haven't been as faithful as I should be, but I'm more active than I have been in a really long time and the weight is just stuck. I was stuck at this weight while ttc Daniel. The month I got pregnant was the month I finally hit my pre-pregnancy weight. I'm wondering if that was more than a coincidence.

I have learned never to judge, and to teach my children never to judge, women who are overweight, have facial hair, or acne. Exercise and extra good hygiene do not always solve the problems.

The Dr. ordered a blood draw today. I am nearly 100% confident that my androgen level went up, and my LSH/FH ratio is inverted and off by a greater factor than before.

I get the call tomorrow with the results.

I'm not sure if I'm ready for this again. I had a friend ask me last weekend, "how many kids do you want?" 6 or 7 was always the answer. But as I answered, I realized I just want 2. I just want however many I have. My defense mechanisms are back in gear. "Don't hope, Jenny. Don't hope."

I prayed today, "Father, is there another child for us?" Silence. No answer. But I did feel an extreme love. At least one thing is different this time around. I know He has not forgotten me.

Back and running

2011-05-22T19:00:00.000-04:00

Hello everyone! I have decided to break the silence!

I have been doing a lot of thinking about this blog and it's potential to reach and help many women who are in the situation many of us have faced and are facing- that of already having a child or children and then facing problems getting pregnant again. It can be a lonely and misunderstood path to trod! A few months back Mormon Times did an article on infertility and one woman's blog. I thought that would be a great opportunity to spread news of this blog. So here's the plan-

1- I'm going to be doing a lot of recruiting, searching, trying to find those woman who are silently suffering. Build up our reader and poster base
2- I am going to make this blog PUBLIC. It is going public tonight, so if you have any posts that you do not want to be public, please go through and delete them or let me know in a comment.
3- I am going to contact Mormon Times with information and suggest the possibility of doing an article
4- I am going to be looking for contributors/authors. If our reader base increases dramatically, then it will no longer be possible to add everyone as an author. If you would like to be an author and feel you could write at least monthly (or more) posts on topics that include your struggles, treatments, faith, etc., please let me know.

If you have any questions, please post a comment. Also, I am making an e-mail address for this site it is the site name (all one word) at g mail.

Will it ever end?

2010-08-21T01:06:00.003-04:00

I haven't posted on here since I introduced myself. It has now been two year of trying and I want to give up, I am sick of holding out hope for a baby and putting money into something I don't know if it will ever come. I am so discouraged and it has only been two years I don't know how many of you have done it for so long. How do you keep going, how do you keep trying? I pray every night for my PCOS to go away, for my body to lose weight for some sort of miracle so this pain will end. I am sad and grumpy, I feel like a horrible wife and mother and I cry all the time. I think it hurts more everytime I hear someone else is pregnant. I don't know how to deal with it and that drives me crazy. I am sorry to complain, but I know this is the one place I will find understanding. I am open for suggestions, if anybody has any.

The baby wave is here...so why am I feeling so rotten?

2010-02-28T00:53:00.003-05:00

I feel guilty writing this, but there is a huge wave of babies hitting our ward right now -- and while I love my sisters and am happy for them, I would be a horrible liar if I didn't admit I am really, truly struggling with it, too. I am jealous, I am sad, I am wondering if my son will ever become a big brother.

It's been nearly a year since my miscarriage. No luck getting pregnant since then. And I feel like I'm finally emotionally ready to really, really try again, and to care about it, and to possibly pursue some more medical evaluation (though my last barrage of tests in August didn't really tell us much -- I look pretty normal on paper and under ultrasound).

Waiting is just....hard. I wish I could see Heavenly Father's bigger picture right now.

My miracle.....

2009-12-03T02:34:00.000-05:00

Keagan is my little miracle. Literally. How did I get him? It was so easy. I got married, went on the pill, and got prego a couple months later. easy. simple. wonderful. I thought I would pop them out like crazy! Yes but I never knew what a miracle he really was til this past Monday. I had an appointment with the doctor to check if my cyst was still there and my blood clot. He looked and they were both gone so we are going to do clomid, shots, IUI, again this month! I was really excited! Then he got quiet and started marking things on the ultrasound and talking to the nurse in another "language". Then he said...I'm not sure how we missed this but you have pcos . I was so shocked because my original family doctor helped us with our fertility the first year. I had read about pcos and thought that I might have it because I have some of the symptoms and my sister has it. I asked my Dr. to see if this was my problem. He said because I was regular that I didn't have it and we moved on to other testing and option. My next Dr. I went to had us take ovulation test for 4 months. They read that I did each month. What i didn't know was that you can have a period every month and still not ovulate or function properly and have pcos. Then I have been going to the specialist Dr since August and we talked about it and he ruled it out again. I wish we could have caught it a 2 years ago and not thousands of dollars later but I am sure I needed that time to learn a few things.

OK so what is pcos? This is a reminder for me mostly of what I have learned about it.... Doctors are not sure if a person has it right at birth but usually it shows its ugly face around puberty time with weight gain, painful periods, etc.. Pcos is genetic, my sister who has 2 sets of twins (fertility stuff) also has pcos. My daughters will have 50% chance of also having it. When you have pcos, your hormones are out of balance. Your body produces too much androgens. which can lead to yucky side effects of which I am grateful do not have all of them:) Most women who have pcos have a problem with their body using insulin, called insulin resistance. When the body doesn't use insulin well, blood sugar levels go up. This is why 60% of women who have pcos are obese when they are diagnosed. The hormones being out of wack cause cysts to form on your ovaries. Here are some of the side effects....
1. mood swings, hormonal changes rapidly.
2. depression
3. Weight gain or upper body obesity (more around the abdomen than the hips).Very hard to lose weight.
4. thinning hair
5. Repeat miscarriages. The cause for this is not known.
6.Inability to become pregnant
7.Causes too much insulin in the blood
8. Facial hair growth
9. Acne
10 Infertility
etc.
I am so glad I skipped out on the facial hair growth one:) I do have thinning hair and have had weight problems most of my life, had a miscarriage, infertility struggles, not really acne. Polycystic ovary syndrome cannot be prevented. But early diagnosis and treatment of it helps prevent long-term complications, such as infertility, metabolic syndrome, obesity, diabetes, and heart disease and more but will not be cured just helped.
In reading there are a couple options I have....
1. The pcos diet which I have been following since Monday. Very low carb, no white anything, etc, high lean protein and veggies. When a normal person eats a carbohydrate, insulin levels rise to break down the resulting sugar in the blood. But women with PCOS are insulin-resistant, meaning they have defective cells that hamper this metabolism and increase the risk of diabetes. To try to compensate for the defect, their bodies produce more and more insulin, which can damage the insulin-producing system and make you gain weight which makes it harder to get prego. Vicious cycle huh?

2. Many women also take Metphormin to help lower their blood sugar and help them lose weight making it easier to get pregnant.

3. Clomid will force ovulation but chances are much higher of miscarrying.

4. some women go on the pill because it helps regulate their hormones and that is how I got pregnant with keagan....on the pill:) What a little miracle he is to me and I am so grateful for him.

I will go in to the doctors next week and find out more. The diagnoses is bitter sweet. I am glad I know what it is now so we can work on fertility more effectively than wondering in the dark but it is bitter knowing I will always have this, at least in this life and that infertility could be a long hard road.

Come, come, ye saints, no toil nor labor fear;
But with joy wend your way.
Though hard to you this journey may appear,
Grace shall be as your day.
Tis better far for us to strive our useless cares from us to drive;
Do this, and joy your hearts will swell -
All is well! All is well!

Why should we mourn or think our lot is hard?
'Tis not so; all is right.
Why should we think to earn a great reward if we now shun the fight?
Gird up your loins; fresh courage take.
Our God will never us forsake;
And soon we'll have this tale to tell-
All is well! All is well!

We'll find the place which God for us prepared,
Far away, in the West,
Where none shall come to hurt or make afraid;
There the saints, will be blessed.
We'll make the air, with music ring, Shout praises to our god and king;
Above the rest these words we'll tell -
All is well! All is well!

And should we die before our journey's through,
Happy day! All is well!
We then are free from toil and sorrow, too;
With the just we shall dwell!
But if our lives are spared again to see the Saints their rest obtain,
Oh, how we'll make this chorus swell-
All is well! All is well!

Does anyone follow a PCOS diet? I was looking for good ideas I could add into my diet.

Amber's Intro

2009-10-11T13:36:00.008-04:00

Hi my name is Amber. Annie introduced me to this blog, she has been a close friend for several years and is now having a baby in January, YA! I have a wonderful husband Josh and a beautiful 4 year old girl Kaydence. We are on our 15 month of trying for a baby and it has been a rough road. The first time around was too easy, we actually found out we were pregnant about 6 weeks before our wedding. I think it was the lords way of giving us that extra push into marriage. She had been our greatest blessing and we are so thankful for her in our life!

Last July I finally finished my degree and we thought it would be a perfect time to start trying. I had my IUD removed and the fun began. It took me awhile to get my period, so we had some false hope. After trying for 7 months my period stopped. I called my doctor and found out that I had a cyst, instead of a baby :( So I decided to work on trying to lose some weight, because I quickly gained 40 lbs after having my IUD removed, not fun! I was able to lose 16 lbs with the doctors help and my cyst was gone when I went in to see him in March. During this time my sister had gotten pregnant within 2 months, two of my sister in law were pregnant within a several months, and two of my co workers were expecting as well. I was the only one not having any lucky. We finally hit the one year mark I called my doctor and made an appointment. He tracked my ovulation and told when I needed to have sex. Two months later with no luck. After going in this month several time I had no change in my follicles. My last ultrasound it was pretty clear that I had PCOS or Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome. This is what caused my weight gain, acne, and not getting pregnant. Plus I have to worry about the insulin resistance it causes.

I am now on Metformin to try and help me lose weight and to help with the PCOS. I have also gone to an all natural clinic, after my hair stylist told me my hair was thinning. I found out my uterus is way stressed and have been taking some drops and trying to stay positive on our long road. I read many of the post on here and my heart aches for many of you, I know I have not experienced as much as many of you, but I understand the pain of waiting and wondering. My doctor wants me to take the metformin for 2 months then come back in. If I can lose some weight and get my follicles functioning normally then I can try some clomid to "shock" my ovaries and hopefully get pregnant :) As for now I am going to try and be positive, try to not worry and stress over it, try to not count and calander everything and just enjoy my husband and my family. I would greatly appreciate any comments if any of you have experience with PCOS or any type of suggestions, thanks!

That explains some things...

2009-10-01T17:36:00.003-04:00

I went back to the specialist (honestly, I don't remember her title) for a baseline ultrasound. She got a copy of the operation report from my other dr. and said I'm actually worse than we thought. I had told her the basics, which were true, but things were actually a little more messed up than that. Even though my tubes are open, they have scar tissue from endo adhesions. My ovaries weren't just out of place, they were basically glued down.
Bad news today-the endo has already started coming back and it's on my ovary again. Good news-I don't have any new cysts and the fibroids my dr. saw are small and external, so they won't complicate things. The specialist said the endo is so aggressive that we can try to hold it off and do intervention to have more kids, but the chances of my keeping my insides intact forever is pretty slim. I'm not going to worry about that for now, and I already knew it was a possibility in the (hopefully distant) future b/c my mom had a prolapsed uterus and that can be hereditary.
The dr. also said a positive attitude can be very helpful, and right now we're doing well. I go back and forth, but now that we have a plan of action, I feel more encouraged. It's the not knowing that's hard. My hubby's getting checked next week, and then if he's all clear & this month is unsuccessful I start clomid in about 3 weeks. We have 2-3 tries on that, then the only option is IVF, but either way we have no insurance help (infertility isn't covered).

The Next Step

2009-09-28T18:04:00.002-04:00

After my laparoscopy in June for endo, the dr. gave us 3 months to get pregnant. Well, 3 months is up, so today we met with the specialist to decide what to do next. We were given three choices (I know many of you have been there, just wanted to give some info for newbies). Option 1 is clomid and IUI (~$650/cycle), Option 2 gonadotropins (I think it was $3000-5000/cycle), Option 3 IVF (~$14,000/cycle). The dr. recommended, and we had previously discussed, option 1. The prices are just what I was told, so they probably are not standard. I just find it helpful to have some idea what I'm up against, so thought I'd include it in case it gives someone else a baseline to work from.We missed out on timing for this cycle, so we actually have 1 more try at the old fashioned method, then we start clomid next month. Apparently the chances of a procedure working are best in the first 3 months, so we're really hoping this next step is it.

Down in the dumps

2009-09-20T15:04:00.002-04:00

In July i knew something was up when i wasnt having any ovulation pain(normally will put me in bed for the day) and on the 20th i took a pregnancy test..3 actually, all positive. We were absolutely shocked! We went and did the regualr appointments and baby related things. On our unltrasound appointment on Sept 15th( 12wk appt) we learned that the baby had stopped growing and measured 7wks 4ds. We then had to induce a miscarriage since it had been 5wks and it hadnt happened on its own. We knew we didnt want the D&C.

I feel defeated. We spent a ton of time trying to get pregnant, then it happened, and it failed. People have been telling me that being able to get pregnant is a good thing, even if you do miscarry, and i keep thinking that the doctors can help get you pregnant but what do they do to keep you pregnant? The first thing people asked when we told them was when we were going to try again and to me the trying was slightly more devestating than the miscarrying. We cant possibly start trying all over again. We cant wait 1 year to goto a specialist. My husband will be deployed after Sept of next year and then we will have to wait for that to be done before we can try again.

2009-09-13T18:01:00.000-04:00

I have been to the doctors office 6 times this week, man this baby makin' stuff is much more complicated than I thought it was. I got pregnant with my son on the pill a few months after we got married then started trying a year later after he was born. Its been 2 years and still nothing...... I am really excited and have super high hopes that all this fertility stuff will work. I'm scared to have so much hope cause I know I get my hopes up so high that its a long way down afterward. We are on clomid for the first time and had an IUI both Friday and saturday night. Got that shot to make my eggs drop and through the ultrasound we know I have 3 eggs that are the right size and 2 smaller ones. The doctor is so optimistic about it saying this is the month but I know the Lord might have a different plan, we'll see.

My husband said "I'm gonna be a little sad when we get pregnant cause then you are not going to want to have sex all the time anymore". haha I think the sex will be better because it will not be so functional and planned and we "have" to do it this week-like. Anyway wish us luck! I pray we will all have our names on the success list sooner than later:)

Give away results

2009-09-10T12:58:00.003-04:00

After a highly scientific drawing (thanks to my almost 3 year old) the winner of the give away is:

Katie!

Katie can choose whatever she would like from the list of items (I found a few more things) and whatever she doesn't want, I'll put up for grabs again.

Give away!

2009-08-26T21:16:00.003-04:00

Well, I had my ultrasound today and the baby looks great. I'm not sure how far along I am, but we saw the heartbeat and I know I'm somewhere around 10 weeks. As a celebration I am going to host a give away! Some items are new, some are used, some are new but leftover. The winner can take the whole package or pick what they want and I'll post the rest up for another drawing. To enter, just leave a comment and I'll print out all the names of the people who commented and have my helper draw a name :) I'm going out of town, so you have a long time to enter! Please have all entries in by September 8th. Winner will be announced soon after.

Here are the goods up for grabs.

-1 First Response pregnancy test (exp. 6/2010)

-1 clear plan digital fertility monitor (uses clear blue test strips. Unfortunately since it was used, it may take a few months for it to start adjusting to your cycle, and the strips are a bit pricey but it can be another help)

-18 ovulation test strips (exp. 9/2010)

-1 bottle of Cordyceps (chinese herb my acupuncturist gave to me. In tincture form, but I also used in it applesauce so the dropper is germ free. Acupuncturist said it helps make great eggs. Also has a lot of other amazing benefits...)

-1 nearly full bottle of Evening Prime Rose Oil (helps with cervical mucus)

-1 new Taking Charge of Your Fertility book

I think that's it, though I may add to the list after I wander through the house.

2009-08-24T22:32:00.004-04:00

Thank you for your comments. I was able to miscarry naturally at home over the weekend. I had an ultrasound today and they said everything looked fine. I am relieved that I didn't have to have the procedure and I am hoping that now I will be able to let go and try to move on. I want to be able to get back into my routine so that when we are able to start trying to conceive again I will be ready. I had read some things online that said I might see the babies and that burying them was a good way to have closure. Once I got that idea in my head I felt disappointed that I wasn't able to see my babies. I'm not sure whether it would have been a good idea, but it's hard to let go. I'm not sure that I have really dealt with the fact that my pregnancy is completely over. Thanks for letting me vent my feelings. I was also wondering what experience others had with the natural miscarriage. I did not expect it to be so painful, I wish there had been more information online so I had been prepared for the pain.

Waiting

2009-08-24T17:06:00.002-04:00

Today as I drove down the street, I saw a couple (unmarried) walking, holding hands. I found myself envying them! I thought "they don't have to worry about fertility issues! It's probably the last thing on their mind." I wouldn't trade Margaret for anything! But I wish I could just not worry, just forget.

Today I had my first OB appointment. Long story, but they made a mistake when I called them and scheduled me with a dr. that doesn't see pregnant women and so today was my first appointment. I found out I was pregnant July 9th. I had two beta HcG tests, and a progestrone test and they looked WONDERFUL! Everything looked great! The last HcG test was done July 23 and when the dr. called me to tell me the results, he said "Well, this is the real thing! It looks great!"

I explained to the nurse practitioner who saw me that my last period was may 22, but it wasn't an acurate indicator since I had a pregnancy test when my period was due and it was negative. So she felt me and said "Oh! Definitely not more than 8 weeks." I looked at her in shock and said "That can't be! It's been 7 weeks since my positive HOME test" Then she listened for a heartbeat. She said she hear a few beats, but couldn't focus on it... I didn't hear a thing!

I should be enterning my 12th week. 4 weeks difference is not neglegible! I'm not an idiot. I can do the math.

The hardest thing is, they can't get me into an ultrasound until MONDAY! So I am here waiting... still feeling sick from what I thought was a healthy pregnancy, but so scared that this is miscarriage #4. I would have rather had a miscarriage around 5 weeks. That way I wouldn't have been throwing up for an entire trimester and planning and hoping for so long! Nothing could have kept me from planning and hoping, but the longer you plan and hope, the more real it becomes. I've been crying all day. I'm just a wreck.

This is a tough decision

2009-08-19T17:38:00.003-04:00

I recently found out that my babies heart's stopped beating around week seven. I thought I was 12 weeks pregnant when they did the ultrasound. This was last wednesday and I have been trying to get in for a D&C procedure. We are no longer covered under school insurance, our last day was Sunday. I didn't think that we would be able to afford the procedure, but I didn't think that I had any other options either. We were finally able to talk to a doctor on Monday and I found out that a natural miscarriage was possible also. I haven't been able to decide how long is too long to wait for this to happen naturally and I was wondering if anyone knew pros or cons for either option. I have been so concerned about taking care of this that I haven't even stopped to think about what is happening I just feel so anxious. Any information would be so helpful.
Thanks.

A Foundation for Friendship

2009-08-18T20:19:00.003-04:00

Our RS lesson last week was about friends, and one of the things we discussed was how you develop friendships and what makes them strong. We pointed out that many times they are formed on common interest, and some of our closest friends have helped us through our hardest times. Yesterday I went to the zoo, and had a great heart to heart with a friend that has been going through a hard time recently. It was great to be able to talk openly about our fertility trials and feel okay with the feelings we have and that someone cares and can understand. Today I invited a new girl in our ward to come hang out and while we don't know favorite foods or where each other was born, we had a long conversation about endo and infertility, as well as the little sub-culture of the church that can make not having kids seem magnified. We did find many other little quirks we share, but I think it was helpful for both of us to know there's someone to talk to when we're having a hard day. I know someone had posted a while back about where to find support, and I've noticed that as I have been more open about my own frustrations and circumstances, others seem to be appearing out of nowhere and we are able to either discuss our trials, or not and still know the other person can be empathetic.

I'm losing another baby

2009-08-09T09:50:00.002-04:00

Looks like I'm having another chemical pregnancy.

This was my second round of Femara and IUI. I got a negative at 8 days past IUI, so I knew the trigger shot was out of my system. Then I started to get positives...at first I thought that maybe the trigger shot was resurging. My RE said that he doubted that. I continued to test and still got positives. By now it was far too long for the trigger to still be in my system.

Now the tests are getting lighter and my blood test yesterday showed an HCG level of 11. My progesterone was low as well. My RE says that I will lose this baby in the coming days.

I know that they're "only" chemical pregnancies, but they're still babies to me. They're still a hope that I am losing. This is my sixth such loss over the years. When will I stop having these?

Giveaway

2009-08-06T21:56:00.002-04:00

Give-a-way coming soon!! Soon is sort of a relative word... but I'm guessing within the next two weeks. I need to round a few things up. But check back later for more details! :)

The Culprit...

2009-08-06T16:44:00.002-04:00

I have been frustrated trying to figure out with the doctors why I am not getting pregnant the last 23 months. I almost want to find something so it can be fixed. I have been looking forward to getting the dye test because I was pretty sure that my fallopian tubes were blocked cause nothing else seemed to be out of place. I think the radiologist was surprised when I got teary eyed when he told me everything was perfect and nothing was wrong. I just want to find something to fix it. I guess we are back to the drawing board again. I sat in my car after and just balled. It seems like when ever I feel like I just cannot do this anymore and feel so weak the Lord blessings me with the spirit or shows me someone else who has it worse that I can serve. I really have been letting little comments get to me and I need not to. Mostly it bugs me when I confide in someone what I am going through and they come back with a "I have a friend who went 8 years before getting pregnant, you're fine, don't worry about it". I guess this month has just been hard because I would have been having a baby around this time if I had not miscarried. I just wish I could find the culprit so we could fix it!

Frustrating situation and a glimmer of hope

2009-07-21T21:15:00.005-04:00

I feel bad writing about this, but for whatever reason, this is really bothering me! More than anything, I just need to get it out and get over it.

I have a friend who claims she had a miscarriage in Feb. At first I felt really bad for her, but as time has gone on, I realized that firstly, she didn't have a miscarriage but is just super uninformed about her own body and secondly it is driving me crazy how she is still milking it. Let me explain. She told me that she doesn't have regular periods (which I thought was odd since she has had 3 kids in 3 years). When she stopped nursing her youngest child in June, she bled and it was really heavy. She told me she had a miscarriage then because there was no way her normal bleeding is that heavy. Of course it could be, but if you have your first period in over a year after giving birth, chances are, it's going to be different than before. So what gets me is Feb. She told me she was pregnant. I asked her when she tested, and she said "I don't test, I just know." So she never took a pregnancy test, never called the doctor, the only reason she knew she was pregnant was because she was feeling sick (the rest of her family had the flu around the same time...). So on Valentine's day, she starts bleeding, and once again it's really heavy. Well the kicker is she is now due on Nov. 23... which means she got pregnant 2 weeks after her miscarriage. Is this possible? I have never heard such a thing!! I have done a lot of reading on the HcG hormone lately and everything I've read says it stays in the body 4-6 weeks after a miscarriage therefore delaying a woman's cycle. When I had my first miscarriage, it took me 15 weeks before I had another period. I also had a blighted ovum, and same thing... a long time before my cycle started. At the time, I encouraged her to go to the doctor to make sure her levels were dropping and her body rid itself of everything, but she never did. The hard thing was, I never told anyone I had a miscarriage the month before. And then a month and a half after she told me she had a miscarriage, she told me she was pregnant. It was so hard for me to endure!

Now, of course, when she had her miscarriage, I offered support. But she spread it all around. She made it very obvious to everyone at church and even tonight, 5 months later she STILL brought it up to our R.S. President and using it like a badge of honor.

I completely understand that miscarriages are hard, and everyone handles them differently! I've had 3, and many of you have had more. I also understand that even successful pregnancies following a miscarriage does not erase the pain of a miscarriage but she brags about it! Every time she talks about it now, I just want to roll my eyes and say "Educate yourself about your body and miscarriages!! Did it ever occur to you that you might just have heavy periods when you only have them once every 8 months?!" Of course, I'd never say that though.

Sorry for the vent. I'm not sure why this bothers me so much!

But I feel like spiritually my ability to cope has increased. I've never been able to fully, intentionally, hand over my trials to Heavenly Father. It's always been in a feeling of apathy, or giving up that I say "Here, you take this!" I feel like I'm now slowly climbing to the point where I can at least mumble "Not my will, but Thine be done."

I've often thought about the godly characteristic of empathy. We know that part of the reason why Christ suffered for us, is so he could know how to succor us (Alma 7:11-12). There are times when I honestly feel that if I am suffering through this trial to gain empathy, so I can be that one sister in the ward that can help another going through similar situations, then bring it on! I will never be able to fully understand what it is like to not have children... I have a precious daughter! But I can at least provide a glimmer of empathy, not just sympathy, to those I meet along the way. Incomplete, but something I've been thinking about lately.

The know-it-all friend

2009-07-12T21:20:00.002-04:00

In my mind there are 2 types of know it all friend. The 1st kind is the friend that has been what you have been through and really knows all the good info to share. The 2nd kind is the person who thinks they know what they are talking about and what you are going through. Obviously, one is much more tolerable than the other. I have 2 short senerios going on with each of these that i need to praise and vent about. Please bare with me

I will start with the 1st know it all friend. I recently met a woman on base who has been trying to conceive for 10 years and has just start Invitro. I have talked to this woman about many things and she always has facts and stories to share. One thing i love most about this lady is that she is also an Army spouse so she has gone through all the insurance stuff already. Somedays she gives me my will to keep pressing on. I greating adore her and I dont know how i will ever be able to show her how much she, and her wealth of knowlegde mean to me(and my husband).

Next is my 2nd type of know it all friend. (gonna vent, beware) This woman and her husband are friends of ours on a pretty casual basis. Lately i have been hanging out with her alot more lately because Im trying to spread my social circle. She will ask me how the progress with babymaking is going and every time i give any info she automatically replies with "Im sure its just a hormone imbalance and they will just give you a shot and it will fix it all" (!!!!!) This answer could not aggravate me more. When i try to tell her thats not what my charts are saying she tells me Im wrong. Very very fustrating. I needed a ride to the Dr on base to get a referral to a specialist (its been a year) and asked her for some help(she being the only person i know whos home all day) she once again went on her rant about hormones. I try to stay very calm and tell her what I DO actually know about whats going on inside me and she tells me Im still wrong and she disputes basic human anatomy(BASIC ANATOMY!!!). I hate this type of know it all friend.

Miscarriage #2

2009-07-12T20:24:00.003-04:00

I guess you could say I'm in a pretty bad place right now. We already had a plateful of trials, and being pregnant was one of the few things we had going for us. Then I lost that too. This time is even worse than the last. After the last miscarriage four months ago, I was able to find a small glimmer of hope in the fact that I got pregnant. But now, after having two miscarriages in a row, coupled with the fact that we've struggled for so long to get pregnant, I am facing the fact that something is definitely wrong. I am terrified to put msyelf through this. I absolutely cannot face the thought of starting over again; of having intimacy with my husband be charted and planned, the misery each month when I get my period, and now...facing the probability that even if I do ever get pregnant again, I'll probably just lose it.

I know I will be seeing my Dr this week, and since you guys are knowledgable about this, and some of you have gone through exactly this, I'm curious if you have any suggestions for what my next step should be. Before I got pregnant this month, I actually filled a prescription for Clomid. I'm curious if that will still be my Dr's suggestion. I know you're supposed to ovulate more mature egges with Clomid-would that help prevent miscarriage? Or does it sound to you like I'm deficient in progesterone, or one of the other hormones needed to support pregnancy? Have any of you had to do injections while you were pregnant? I'm sure my Dr will be able to answer a lot of my questions, but I want to be as prepared as possible for the appt.

Honestly at this point, I am ready to fill out the adoption papers sitting in my office. I just don't know if I can, or want to put myself through this again right now...

IUI cost?

2009-07-09T00:01:00.003-04:00

I posted a pic so you can see who i am....After Jeremy and I miscarried in January we were very hopeful that we would get pregnant again soon and whatever the problem was that it was gone. We said if we were not pregnant in 6 months then we would go back to the fertility doctor and be proactive about getting pregnant. Well it has been 6 months so I made an appointment and was excited to move forward with this. I got back a little bit a go feeling disappointed. I was thinking chlomid would be next but he says because I am ovulating each month and have a regular cycle that he is not going to put me on it. He filled out papers to do an IUI where they take Jeremys sperm and put it in me at the hospital. He said to try that for 3 rounds then IVF after that. Do any of you know how much IUI costs?? Has anyone had luck doing this in the past??. I guess all we can do is be patient and save save save & pray pray pray. We need either babies or money to grow on trees:) I just wish I knew what I needed to do or learn. I just feel so many feelings of inadequacy and helplessness not knowing the next step to take...

I didn't cry?......

2009-06-30T13:37:00.004-04:00

Last night I started my period and didn't cry. I have cried the last 19 months. Weird. I think it it because I recently read this book called The Message. It is a true story of a man who had chrones disease and got in a motorcycle accident. He is LDs and had 5 children. He was in a coma for many weeks. He talks about his experiences going in and out of this world to the spirit world. My dad gave it to me. It really made me think about things differently. Life seems to be so monthly when you are trying to have a baby, ya know? I know this trial will not last forever. I loved the talk on hope from the last months Ensign. It says that our promised blessing will not happen IN eternity but FOR eternity! This too shall pass... I finally gave in today and made another appointment with my doctor to get more testing done. I have been thinking each month that this will the THE month and just procrastinate going. I just HATE that it is so expensive and our insurance covers so little of it but I need to know I am doing everything I can and turn it over to the Lord. Pretty much my husband got his sperm tested....fine. I got my blood work done....fine. I ovulate every month and have a 28 day cycle? Whats next? Clomid? In some ways I wish they could find something so they could fix it.

Post-op Comments

2009-06-28T23:19:00.002-04:00

I haven't had any rude or hurtful comments this week, just a few that made me say, "huh?" The first was from one of my sweet act. day girls. She watches me for a minute, then leans over and says "Do you have a sunburn?" I was puzzled, so she expounded that I was walking really slow. The next was a mom who had asked me to watch her kid, but I declined, telling her I had laparoscopic surgery the previous day for endometriosis. She says, oh, are you expecting? Apparently in her 5 pregnancies, she has never heard of the disease or the procedure. The last one was a friend, one of the few people locally that was fully filled in pre-surgery. I had told her what the procedure was, what the dr. would be looking for, that type of thing. So 2 days later she brings dinner over for my family. Then she invited us to go swimming with them the following day (this would be 3 days post-op). I looked at her, puzzled, and said I wasn't allowed to even take a bath for another week and a half, only shower. She asked me why, and with another puzzled look, I reminded her I had holes in my stomach.
I went to church today. It was not a very good idea to be up and about for 3 hours, but I get stir crazy and will probably be stuck at home for another couple of days. I'm not healing as quickly as I had hoped. :P Our R.S. lesson was great though, so I was glad I had gone.

2009-06-26T04:33:00.002-04:00

Does anyone else have problems reading the text since the blog layout has been redone? I'm not sure why I'm having issues, but I am, regardless of what computer I am on. I usually have to look up the posts by clicking edit, which means I can't post comments. Just wondered if anyone else was having issues...

It's done!

2009-06-26T00:53:00.000-04:00

I posted a few weeks ago about being dx w/ endo and that I was thinking about doing the surgery. Here's the update I sent my family a few hours after I got home yesterday:
I went into the surgery center at this morning at 7. I was a little overwhelmed cause they give you such horrid release forms to sign, but they started an IV a little after that w/ fluids and something to make me less of a head case. The anesthesiologist said I was about his 38,000th (yes, that many zeroes!) patient. They assured me several times they give the minimum dosage possible and then fine tune to make sure it works. I woke up around 9:45 with a dry, scratchy throat and feeling like I did too many crunches-like that would ever happen!
After I was "out", they put in a breathing tube down my throat. I hate things in my throat and around my neck, so I was glad I was unaware of that part. The doctor said I had moderate endometriosis, which is stage 3 out 4. When I went in for my annual exam last month, she found a tender spot, then did an ultrasound which showed signs of endometriosis, including growth all over my left ovary. She drained that cyst, as well as cleaned up the other areas stuff was growing. There were also some fibroids on my uterine wall, so she took care of those. My right ovary was out of position, so she put it back where it belongs. I didn't think they could just rearrange organs! They also injected dye through my tubes to make sure they were open and working. Finally good news-there were no twists or blockages! Between what they've done today and some bloodwork last month, I've done almost a full infertility work up. Now that the endometriosis has been treated, it looks like everything should be working.
I'm feeling decent now. They injected some CO2 into my abdomen and it takes a while for all the gas to dissipate, so under my ribs and up in shoulders hurts, but it's already improved a lot. I have 3 little incisions-one under my belly button, and two a little lower and towards the sides. Belly buttons should have lint in them, not cameras! I took a 2 hour nap earlier and can sit up well, and walk veeerrry slowly. My chest/throat feel like the end of a cold when you have that dry cough that feels like you just can't cough hard enough to do any good, but that's also improving fairly quickly.
Lizzie had a fun morning playing with friends and has been so sweet. She has to "check my tummy" every once in a while, has given me plenty of kisses, and is currently coloring. I have no intention of doing too much. When else do I have an excuse to stay in bed for 2 days, watching movies and being waited upon?

Today's update:
The CO2 pains are not quite as constant, but still pretty intense. My incisions and muscles are all more tender. My belly is swollen so I look like I just had a baby, and I can only wear jammies. My belly button hurts like crazy. I was not liking the effects of percoset, so I called the dr. and switched over to some vicodin I just happened to have. I've felt like I'm hyperventilating for 2 days, but it's even worse on the percoset and that makes my heart rate crazy. It makes me really tired, but I'm so hopped up I can't fall asleep. The vicodin and ibuprofen seem to have fewer side effects, but I'm hesitant about pain killers so I've only been taking half doses.
We had a sweet friend bring by incredible spaghetti and meatballs, plus salad, bread, and cookies. For some reason I don't know I'm hungry until I'm to the point of mean and shaky, so it was nice to have some yummy food without waiting for it to cook.

Other support

2009-06-16T14:46:00.002-04:00

I have set out to find ladies who are having fertility problems around my location in hopes of starting some sort of support group/gathering for us. I KNOW there has got to be others on this military base facing hard times and I want them to know there not alone either so i have decided to ask what you ladies are involved in and how you got involved in.

What other means of support do you ladies have? Do you have a support group? A group of friends? How did you get involved with it? Whats the best way to locate other ladies?

2009-06-09T01:53:00.003-04:00

This weekend I came to AZ to watch my sister have her first baby! What a miracle! It's weird how much I have forgotten about having a new born...been almost 3 years now. Just straight from heaven! I always feel happy when people get pregnant or have a baby. I wish it didn't remind me how much I want that!! Happy for them, sad for me. It seems like my family is trying to be sensitive....like overly sensitive about the fertility thing when I would actually rather talk about it and be open about what is going on but I like them to ask and not just dance around it. I'm so complicated:) I'm afraid this blog has become my way to vent, sorry but you might hear from me lots.... I thought watching my sister be in labor for 24 hours would help me not be so baby hungry but it was weird during her labor I wanted to feel all of it and go through that because I know every push, pain, is worth it cause look whatcha get...Your own piece of Heaven:)
{my nephew Legend}

2009-06-07T21:12:00.001-04:00

How applicable!

You know you live in Utah when.....

2009-06-05T15:29:00.002-04:00

I grew up in Michigan, went on a mission to NYC and now live in Utah. I never realized how different Utah is.... I really love living here and have friends that are members FINALLY but there are somethings I could do without.... There is such a feeling of competition here. I thought the dumb competitiveness would go anyway after the dating scene was over but it has only gotten worse:) I always get the..."is he you only one?" "When are you going to have more kids" or the very obvious..."wow he is sooooooo big, how old is he?" I feel like everyone is speculating in their mind why we only have one. They probably are not but i just feel that way, like they are judging me. I was talking to a friend this week and told her that we are starting clomid next month. she went on to tell about a friend who tried for 7 years and suggested I waited longer and be more patient and that it would happen. Almost implying that by taking it I have little faith. Bleh. I love the scripture in Enos 1:12..... he prayed and LABORED. We need to do all we can....fast, pray, go to the temple, go to the doctor, eat right and take care of our bodies...etc.

I also was talking to my mom this week about the miracles we have seen in our family recently. In my mind I was being negative and was thinking....where is my miracle....{satan}. Later as I was saying my prayers I felt that the Lord helped me to understand that my miracle is taking place but it is inside of me. My reliance on Him has grown so much the past 2 years, its my miracle.

My super frustrating day, and another testimony to Acupuncture

2009-06-04T10:49:00.002-04:00

Firstly, let me just say, this is my second experience with acupuncture. I tried it a few cycles ago (experience with that can be found in an earlier post). I have now had acupuncture twice this cycle, and my cycle is so normal it's almost scary. I NEVER ovulate on day 14... NEVER. I've actually never ovulated before day 20. Well. I did this time. Unless my high temp today was a fluke, which I am praying for. But all the signs are right. The most frustrating thing about me ovulating is that Michael is on Long Island at a conference. We had it all planned that we would give it a go once before he left yesterday, but due to a horrible set of circumstances which left us getting to the airport at 5:25pm for a 5:55 flight, it just never happened. We spent money on acupuncture, and it actually worked, and we missed our chance! When I took my temp this morning, I cried. UGGH! I haven't had such a perfect set up in all my time charting, and we missed it.

Oddly enough, one part of the horrible circumstances that left us with no time involved a dr. appointment for me. I talked to him about drugs. He explained all the risks associated... high incidence of multiples, higher risk of ovarian cancer, etc., but said it is a good next step for me since we can't figure out what is going on. I walked out with a prescription for Clomid. We were going to try acupuncture this month, and if doesn't work, try Clomid next month. Well, our acupuncture month opportunity has passed. Clomid, here I come.

2009-06-02T17:11:00.002-04:00

I gave us a new look, hope that ok. Thought we needed a little livening up:) Hope you like it!

kathy

Introducing me....Finally!

2009-06-02T12:12:00.005-04:00

I have been reading this blog for quite sometime but hiding and I have never introduced myself. I always just thought I will be pregnant next month and then will be done with this infertility thing but 21 months later and still working on it so it is about time to introduce myself......Hi, I'm Kathy Twitchell, I live in Cedar City Utah. My husband and I have been married for 3 1/2 years. We thought when we first got married that we would wait a year so I would be done with school and then have a baby. Four months later we found out that we were 3 months pregnant! I was taking the pill everyday and never missed but at the same time I really wanted to have a baby. I had served a mission and gotten married a little later and was ready to start a family so while taking the pill I was praying at the same time that somehow I would get pregnant. My husband is a couple years younger than I am and was not as anxious as I was but once he got here he was in love. Our pill baby....our miracle in the form of Keagan.....

It seemed like he grew so fast and by the time he was 10 months I was so baby hungry again so we started trying again. I had complications after Keagans birth and had a Hematoma and my c-section was left open for 3 months but the doctors said everything is fine and that my ability to have babies would not be effected. We started trying again. I remember after 3 months of trying I cried the third month. I am an emotional, esp. when it comes to having a baby. If I only knew then that I would still be crying a year and a half . Then came.5* 6* 7* 8* 9* months pass and I REALLY start to worry and get more and more emotional. I just never thought it would be hard to get pregnant. After trying for ten months we decided that we need to go to the doctor to find out what is wrong with me. Blood tests, dye tests, my husband got tested......nothing. I ovulate every month and have my period on the first or 2nd of every month like clock work. I almost wish they found something wrong with me so they could fix it. In December I got pregnant for 7 weeks and then miscarried. It was devistating for us but at the same time I was happy that I knew I am still able to get pregnant. it has been 5 months since I miscarried. Each month I get so much hope that it feels like I miscarry each month. I sometimes wish I could go through this "past feeling" but I know that is not good but it just seems like it would be easier to do that. We are starting chlomid this month so we'll see how that goes.I am worried about weight gain....did that happen to any of you while on chlomid? I am 5'8" and 175 pounds bleh.... I really cannot afford to gain and REALLY need to lose but if I do gain it would be worth it if we got pregnant. I feel bad for my husband. He is so loving and often gives me blessings but I don't think he knows what to say anymore and we have exhasted the subject over and over. I just feel bad that he gets to listen to all my raging emotions of infertility:) I really try to be postive in my mind and I really do have so many blessings in my life but it feels like this desire to have a baby is so comsuming of my thoughts and moods. I'm at the stage where everyone asks me if I am pregnant or when are you going to have another one. Or sees Keagan and says wow he is getting soooooo big. Its probably in my head but it seems like that everyone is wondering why I don't have another one yet. All my freinds who have one Keagans age have a 1 year old or younger already. I need to stop comparing and just learn to be happy in this trial!!! Thanks for all of your post, love them. It really helps me feel like someone understands. Having issues with fertility when you already have a child is a weird place to be. I have friends who deal with the same infertility issues but don't have any kids yet. They just don't understand that it still is very difficult even if you already have a child. Its like chocolate. You have can't just have one bite...it makes yopu want more! I'll try to post more on here. Thanks for your thoughts....
Kathy

My family blog is HERE. If you want to see....
I do custom designs too..HERE.

First Charted Cycle

2009-06-01T23:59:00.002-04:00

I was wondering if I could get some feedback on my 1st charted cycle. I found a nifty website called Fertilityfriend.com where you enter your data and it makes your graph for you. I think it does a great job covering all the bases of info. I have a paper chart too but I figured this would be good just in case something happened to the paper charts.

You may have to click the image to make it bigger to see better. I used printscreen so you can see some of my browser. My cycle actually stops on the 25th of May but i was on a suprise vacation and didnt chart from the 19th on. I dont have a tempt spike and where the OPK says i should have ovulated. I checked out TCOYF to review it while I was charting and found nothing like this in there...Anything thoughts/comments would be MUCH apperciated.

Drugs

2009-05-25T22:51:00.000-04:00

What are everyone's thoughts on "fertility" drugs? Have you taken them? Did you have success? Side effects? OR if you haven't tried them yet, will you consider using drugs? How long will you wait before it becomes an option?

I'm half tempted to call up my doctor tomorrow and say "Give me the drugs!" I've always been an anti drug person. I'll definitely take them if I have to, but if I can avoid it, then I will (including pain killers). So I'm a bit surprised I'm to this point. I know clomid can have a lot of side effects, and increases the risk of multiples, but I'm getting sick of sitting on my hands. I think my plan is to try one more month of acupuncture and then try some drugs.

Today I went to a ward picnic, and a friend of mine came over, and we were chatting and she mentioned that she is 3 1/2 months pregnant. She has a 3 year old and a 6 month old and is already pregnant again. She was going on how this pregnancy was a surprise and wasn't planned, etc. etc. etc., and oh, how I just wanted to let her know how lucky and blessed she is!!!

Well, at least it's an answer...

2009-05-19T20:29:00.000-04:00

I went in for a yearly exam/pap last week. At the end when she was pushing around on my abdomen, she hit a painful point and I flinched and burst into tears. She decided to order an ultrasound, as well as a blood test to see if I ovulated, since I've been trying to get pregnant for 19 mos. now. Well, the good news is my hormone levels looked good and I had ovulated. Unfortunately...I was diagnosed with endometriosis and a retroflexed uterus. I've suspected endo since I was a teen based on symptoms, but it was never confirmed. There is a concentration on my left ovary, which is where the really tender spot was. She said some people have a tilted uterus, but mine is tilted really far backwards. Apparently the combination explains some of my lower back pain, as well as why it's hard for me to get pregnant. (Recap-it took 18 mos. to conceive my daughter)
She suggested 6 mos. of birth control pills to make the endometriosis stop growing. I'm not thrilled about that for several reasons. First, I was on the pill in college for "cramps and heavy bleeding" (irritated I wasn't dx then) and had unpleasant side effects. Second, after 19 mos already, I'm not excited about waiting at least another 6 to get pregnant. Third, some people take months or more to start ovulating again following the pill. The only other logical treatment is surgery. I have a good friend that had laproscopic surgery for endo, fibroids, polyps, and cysts (yeah, she had a LOT going on in there) and I'm going to talk to her, as well as research on my own. Basically she said there's a good chance I wouldn't conceive in the next 6 months anyways without treatment.
The retroflexed uterus does not (edit: orig. thought may or may not, edited after reading comment 1 as well as some online info.) contribute to the difficulty getting pregnant, but I was pretty upset when she said it was really tilted. My mom had the same problem and was told she shouldn't have more children (this was before me), then had a prolapsed uterus when I was really young, and later had a hysterectomy before she was 30. I think hysterectomy is less common as a treatment for gynecological problems now, and thankfully medical practice has advanced a lot in 25 years, so that's not my main concern right now.
Both problems can be (and in my case probably are) hereditary. My daughter is only 3, but I don't want her to deal with these issues when she's older. I had already decided after having such horrible periods as a teenager that I wanted to be sure she was well informed about her body and if she has problems that we address them. My other concern is that I may confront these issues each time we want to have a child. I guess at least knowing now we can plan ahead if I will need to go on the pill or whatever before TTC. It's discouraging that I will probably not be holding a new baby for at least 15 mos., and possibly longer. I know timing is not up to me (boy, do I know!), but when I had hoped to have 2 1/2-3 years between kids and am now looking at 5, I told my hubby I feel like I was punched in the stomach.
Another frustration is that (as many of us have expressed) I am surrounded by people that get pregnant so easily. I am constantly asked if I am or when I'll have another baby. Facing another 6+ months of that is not appealing. My husband asked if I wanted to tell people what I'm dealing with so maybe they would know not to ask, but I'm not sure. I told him he can tell whoever, and I may tell friends if it comes up, but I don't know. He is supportive and wonderful, but it's still hard.
I do have a really good friend (the one I mentioned earlier) that I am going to talk to, but she didn't answer yet and I really needed to get things off my chest I guess. If anyone has any great tips or advice, that would be great. It was not fun hearing a diagnosis (I cried half the time I was on the phone with the doctor), but I'm a little relieved to at least know something. I'm frustrated with myself because I didn't push for a diagnosis when I was younger even though I was fairly confident (my sis also has endo, which is what led me to read about it based on symptoms) there was something not quite right. I also put off finding a new ob/gyn after we moved, and I wonder if I would have gone for a check up earlier if I could have been pg by now (I know that's destructive thought, it's just there). I'm also frustrated that I've been to 2 other drs.in the past 9 years and my symptoms were dismissed. Oh well, at least now I can move forward, I just have to decide which direction to go.
Edit a few hours later:
Now that the concept has settled, I'm feeling oddly comforted. I am looking at several months of not having my hopes dashed when I start my period, because I will already expect it. I will have X more months of time to focus on my daughter. My husband and I can enjoy our time together with no pressure. I can do the Tens unit (little electrostimulus device) part of my physical therapy, which wouldn't be safe if I were/could be pregnant. Maybe I will even quit putting off painting "the extra room" upstairs. I can strengthen my core (weak back/abs, part of why I'm in PT right now) and have a wonderful, easy delivery when the time comes. The silver lining is visible again and I am glad, even though I still feel discouraged and bummed out.

Fustration

2009-05-16T16:59:00.000-04:00

I didnt realize that they just gave out fertility drugs....

Today I was at a friends house(J&S) and there were 3 couple total. The couple that i didnt know (A&B) told me that they were having trouble getting pregnant. I asked how long they had been trying and A&B told me they had been trying 1 month but had no trouble having there 1st!! A&B also told me that wanted to start taking fertility drugs just so they could have twins.

Thi just upset me through the roof!

Negative

2009-05-14T09:51:00.003-04:00

Yet another negative test today. My period is a little late, but I was still being optimistic by testing. For thinking I didn't care much anymore, it sure does hurt! Here's to another month...

Questions- Low Basal Body Temps and Ovul kits

2009-05-12T20:20:00.000-04:00

Hello!

I sure enjoy reading the posts. Its very weird to read some of them, because I feel like they are writing exactly what I am thinking and feeling. We have been trying for our second for exactly 3 years now. Time flies!

So I have a question about my charts. I have been recording my basal body temperatures for awhile. It has been a little comical, because my body is so WEIRD! I laugh at the perfect charts they have as examples in Taking Charge of your fertility. Half of my temperatures are in the 96 range as low as 96.3. What I have read has suggested thyroid might be the problem, but I have had my thyroid tested. My TSH was a little low at .32. I guess the average is .35-5.50. But the Dr. said that my T4( I think that was what she said) was normal so the TSH was okay to be that low.

(And yes I am taking it at the same time in the mornings and following the rules. Expect I do have to get up sometime with my 3 year old, but I always make sure I have 3 consecutive hours.)

Another question is I bought and used an ovulation kit that had 20 tests, but I got a TON of positive results and I am on day 49 and still haven't had a period.

Anyway, I was just wondering if anyone had any insights on my strangeness.

Mother's Day

2009-05-09T00:18:00.000-04:00

Is anyone else struggling with Mother's Day at all this year? I hate that I am. I am still a mother, even if I only have one child. I should be able to rejoice in that, and celebrate that. But somehow, I feel like Mother's Day stories become about the women who barely have a second to breathe because they are so busy taking care of their house full of children, etc. Lately I have been feeling like people look at me and think "She has it easy," because I only have one child, and she is pretty easy now, (well except for tantrums and not listening to me....). If only they knew that I would much rather be swarming in diapers, and midnight feedings than having a little free time! Anyway, they're probably not even thinking that. I probably just do it to myself. But either way, I find myself aching inside this weekend for what I don't have, and I wish I could just be grateful for what I do have. I guess I know what I need to pray for, and focus on....

And Jen, I too had been feeling apathetic lately, which was nice. But a friend of mine that started trying after me, is in the hospital right now with her newborn. And that has brought a whole new wave of sadness over me, and has affected me way harder than I thought. I feel like what used to be a panicky, anxious, desperate feeling has been replaced by just an aching and a sadness.

Questions Questions

2009-05-07T02:07:00.000-04:00

Im currently reading The Conception Chronicle, with the Chinese Wellness book and a few other in line after this one. If the people at the library didnt know I had a problem before they most definately do now! I have 5 books checked out currently..But on to the point...

As I was reading they give a general guideline which they call the "3 Strikes and You're Out". It states that there will be 3 courses of action taken #1. Fertility Drugs (they mainly talk about Clomid) #2. Injections/IUI #3. IVF and if none work then you're out(and no one wants to be out!!)

My question: Do all these things have to be done consecutively? Like #1, if that doesnt work, right away goto #2, ect? I ask because there is a deployment planned for my husband next summer-ish(Hope, ex-na on the family-a, we arent sharing that tid bit yet) and if we dont get pregnant naturally and move onto #1 and we dont get pregnant, he will then be gone. Will we have to start over or pick up where we left off? The thought of starting over is killing me.

Question 2: Can a doctor refuse to treat me for whatever is going on in there because Im so young? The last time I went to the doctor we were basically laughed out of the room and told we were stupid for wanting kids so young! Needless to say, we wont be going to him again.

Getting sick of it

2009-05-06T15:42:00.000-04:00

Has/is anyone else gone through an apathetic stage? I wish I could say I just have a lot of faith that the Lord is in control, but honestly, I'm starting to not care anymore. I mean on one hand, it's wonderful. The crying has stopped, the constant stress is gone. But on the other hand, I feel really guilty. This last cycle I just haven't cared to chart anymore. I used to pour over my charts, filling in lots of detail, making sure I took my temperature everyday without any disturbance, but now... well, I haven't filled in my chart for almost 2 weeks, I misplaced my thermometer while on vacation and didn't bother to look through my bag to find it. When I got home I didn't even care to unpack it until last night.

Perhaps it is healthy this way... I am no longer allowing it to define my life. But sometimes I wonder if I have allowed myself to be depressed or go into despair and so my emotions are shutting down. I feel like a big contradiction.

Sister Beck's talk

2009-05-04T21:48:00.000-04:00

I just spent an A-MAZ-ING few days in Utah at BYU's Women's Conference.

Sister Julie B. Beck spoke and she related a story that I found really interesting. It doesn't necessarily relate to our situations, but still, a nice recognition of the pain of infertility.

Sister Beck was really close to her laurel advisor (Cleo something..) and she visited her when she was in the hospital and in her 80's. Cleo was unable to have children and after 10 years I believe she either adopted or pursued something that allowed her to have kids (women's broadcast will be rebroadcast May 14-15 on BYU TV (which is on-line) in case you would like to get the real story). Cleo lost a child when that child was young, and I believe over half of her kids preceded her in death along with her husband. Sister Beck said to her "Have you had a good life?" to which Cleo responded, "Yes, I have had a good life." She then paused and added, "Except for those 10 years we were trying to have children." Sister Beck said she was expecting her to name losing her husband or her young child, or any of her other children, but with all of her trials, the one that brought the most pain was her inability to have kids. Most of us on here already have a child, but I really felt I could relate to that story and feel the love Sister Beck was extending to those without children and/or experiencing heartache while trying to fulfill the Lord's commandments.

Even aside from that story, her talk was AMAZING! At one point she raised her voice and called us to "Fight! FIGHT!" against pornography and the evils of the devil. We can no longer be innocent bystanders allow our husbands and children to be taken in the devil's snare. She is one amazing woman!

The Right Words

2009-04-27T11:55:00.000-04:00

I know there are so many wrong things people say, but is there anything that you can say to a friend to offer comfort and support? I feel sad for them, I want to offer help in any way possible, and I want to be available if they need to talk. I have struggled to get pg, but never lost a baby, so I don't know just how they feel. Whatever I can think of sounds hollow. Not saying anything seems like ignoring their pain, but I wonder if that's better than saying something stupid. I just wondered if anyone had heard or said anything they felt conveyed their feelings without prying or dismissing. Thanks so much!

Great Book!!

2009-04-23T17:20:00.000-04:00

The other day I checked out a STACK of books from our library on fertility. I can only imagine what the guy checking Michael out thought (Michael went to get them all for me) since we pretty much needed a truck to take them home :)

The first book I read is GREAT!!! I highly recommend it, and it is now our featured book. My acupunctarist recommended it to me. It's called The Infertility Cure, The ancient Chinese Wellness Program for Getting Pregnant and Having Healthy Babies by Randine Lewis, Ph.D. The author began studying western med. She wanted to be a doctor, but halfway in her training she realized that western medicine doesn't always get the whole picture, so she switched to TCM (Traditional Chinese Medicine) and got her PhD in that. What I love about this is because she studied western med, she explains TCM perfectly. It's like she wrote this book for sceptics of TCM. I finally understand what Qi and Essence mean (well, at least I understand better...). She is able to compare the TCM organ systems (Spleen, Liver, Kidney) to western med organs and functions. Then, there is a questionaire to take to try to self diagnose what is causing the inability to get pregnant. The rest of the book describes a wellness program based on what your self diagnosis is. She has helped people with PCOS, Hashimotos (or whatever that thyroid thing is called) and many other diagnosed problems conceive. She also talks about a woman who went to a gazillion dr's and none of them could diagnose her with having any problems. She had IUI and then IVF and nothing worked. The woman came to Randine and was pregnant after 3 months of TCM. I guess stories like that make me realize that TCM has been around FOREVER and people do find sucess with it. Why am I so willing to trust MD's who prescribe pills that have side effects, or want to perform some invasive something or other, but think TCM is hokey? That's what I used to think, but now I totally view it as a reputable, valid profession.

Thankful Thursday

2009-04-23T17:14:00.000-04:00

What are you thankful for today?

Thankful Thursday

2009-04-16T17:00:00.000-04:00

What are you Thankful for today?

Thyroid Question

2009-04-15T12:21:00.000-04:00

So my acupunctarist recommended thyroid testing (since I have never had a full thyroid panel). My results came in (I just got them over the phone, the actual numbers are coming in the mail) and my dr. said everything looked good. She then said that there was one test that she doesn't order because it supposedly doesn't do anything, it's called the Reverse T3. The upper limit of this test is 350 (upper end of a range), and my test was 380. She said it didn't matter, but it seems like rT3 has to be created somehow and have some sort of relation to T3 and T4. Does anyone know anything about this? I tried looking it up on google, but didn't find anything written in terms I could understand without pulling out my biology book.

The acupuncture results are in.... (and a preseed review)

2009-04-14T21:51:00.001-04:00

I thought I'd give a little update on my first cycle post acupuncture. Unfortunately, I started my period today. It seemed a little more devastating than normal, just because I had gone through acupuncture, taken herbs, and was starting to exhibit symptoms the last part of the cycle. HOWEVER, this was the most normal cycle I have had in MONTHS! I haven't had such a hormonally driven ovulation in a long time... talking moody, breaking out, all the fun things that used to accompany my ovulation. Plus it was a clear ovulation! Like I said in my first post about acupuncture, I noticed an immediate change in my temperatures-- they weren't so sporatic. Same thing after ovulation. I had a very clear temp shift, and my temps stayed above my coverline for the first time ever. But the best thing... I actually had a normal luteal phase!! I've only had one normal luteal phase in the 8 months I've been charting. I am a total beliver in acupuncture! Of course, I would rather be pregnant! But, I'm trying to look at this as a clean start.

It was really hard since, like I said, I was starting to have some symptoms that could either be pregnancy or signs of upcoming period. Plus, I had figured out that my due date would be December 25th. I always said I'd avoid having a child in December, but I thought how awesome would that be to have a baby on Christmas after this struggle. Here's to this month.

Also, Hope wanted me to review Preseed. She sent me a sample a while back, and we love it! I just ordered another bottle of it. Obviously it didn't help us get pregnant, but we weren't thinking it would (I mean we didn't think that using it would enhance our fertility). It is a lubricant specifically formulated to be friendly to sperm. Most lubricants are not sperm-friendly and therefore can prevent conception. It was really helpful since around ovulation time it is recommended to have sex everyday (if your husband has a good sperm count)... that can be very drying and uncomfortable! It was nice to know that I could use something that would help me be more comfortable, and not inhibit sperm mobility. The down side is that it is expensive. I can't remember how much, but I think it was like $14 for a tube with 6 applicators. You can buy it in pre-filled applicators as well.

Odd

2009-04-14T13:16:00.000-04:00

I sent this email to Hope (if you havent caught on, shes my SIL) and she had no idea what could be going on so she suggested I post it here and see if you girls might have an idea. Here goes...

I am on Day 35 or so of my cycle and usually have my period around day 24. I took a pregnancy test and its negative and i have some ovulation type symptoms(almost eggwhite fluid) so i took an ovulation test and it was positive (for about the 3rd time this cycle). What could be going on?

A few thoughts/questions

2009-04-14T10:53:00.000-04:00

At one point I did have a while list of questions and topics but those have slowly faded away and now I only remember 1 of them, which seems to be eating at my guilt lately.

Do you ever feel biased about friends getting pregnant or is it all just me?

Ill happily give an example, Hope i hope you dont mind. I feel that if someone has been ttc and they get pregnant I have a great attitude towards them and their pregnancy. Hope, my wonderful SIL example, tried SO HARD(and Im sure thats an understatement) to get pregnant and when she finally did I had no harsh feelings towards her. I even found myself overjoyed for her. On the other hand a friend who was not ttc at all, and actually trying to avoid pregnancy, gets pregant and I feel as if I cannot be happy for them. I also feel resentful and I most definately kick in the Fight mode of my Flight or Fight instinct. Does anyone else ever feel that way about their friends/family?

Fertile Friends (vent)

2009-04-08T17:13:00.000-04:00

We are in a young ward and currently about 1/3 of the ward has either announced a pregnancy or has a baby under a year. Today a good friend who is out of state told me she's due in Nov. with #3. She's a year younger than me, got married a year after I did,and had her first a year before me. I really am excited for her, and happy that they are happy, but it's also tough. I am coping better this time around than when trying w/ my first (I had several younger friends "complain" about surprise pregnancies and we told NO ONE we were trying) because "at least I have one."
A lot of people at church assume I'm much younger (I'm 27 1/2) b/c our only child is 3. Many of the women around my age have 3, even 4 kids. My non-church friends & close to age cousins are closer to my stage of having children, so I told my DH last night I need to hang out with more people like that. I get asked sometimes 4x on Sunday if I'm expecting. Apparently our RS has an actual list of who's pregnant and I've been put on it 2x and people hear about it before anyone officially asks me. I know many people that have an easy time getting pg don't "really" understand, but how does it not occur to people that sometimes it's not our choice if our kids are far apart? It does not mean I don't like children or don't want them.
I am so thankful for my daughter. I am grateful we have been able to give her individual attention. I am very protective and have some anxiety issues, so when I consider my friends that have 3 kids under 5, I wonder if I could handle being on that side. Some days I am able to really understand that Heavenly Father knows what I can handle and part of that may be only having one kid for now. DD loves playing with other kids and she is so good with our friends' babies. She has such a sweet spirit and she would be a great sister. I really hope that she will be soon.

Ugh!

2009-04-08T16:07:00.000-04:00

Stories like this just make me sick and sad! Sometimes I have a had time controlling my frustrations over women having unwanted pregnancies, out of wedlock, and here we all are, married, wanting a pregnancy, and nothing. Good thing the Lord is in control because I would have made things happen a lot differently!

Wednesday W's

2009-04-08T10:01:00.000-04:00

Which talk(s) were your favorite from conference?

Addition to the side

2009-04-02T23:04:00.000-04:00

I was thinking today about what to do when members do become pregnant. I mean, it is something we all hope will happen to all of us, but it can be a rather interesting circumstance when in a group of people still trying to achieve what you have. So I started a little success list on the side. Hope is our first success :) (even though she was pregnant when she joined). I just don't want this blog to be so focused on the "sorrow" that we can't see the "hope" (ha ha... ironic, eh?). So to celebrate the joy that some members have found, I'll keep a little running list of success. I know we have talked about how difficult it is to hear of our friend's pregnancies, but I pray that we can be truly happy and joyful over FH&S members who do become pregnant... knowing the reality of the heartache that led them to their joy.

Let me know if there is something else you would like me to add/remove/change on the blog!

Thankful Thursday

2009-04-02T22:58:00.001-04:00

What are you thankful for today?

Wednesday W's

2009-04-01T16:43:00.000-04:00

I'm not sure if anyone has noticed, but our blog has grown over the last week! Welcome new members!

What calling(s) do you have? What callings have you had in the past?

Pregnancy Tests

2009-04-01T16:34:00.001-04:00

I still have yet to find pregnancy tests at the dollar store, but I did find these. If you order 1-9 it's $0.95 each. 10-19 $0.85 each. Plus if you use the code SPRINGFUN you get 10% off the order. If your order is $14.95 or more, you get free, same day shipping! Otherwise shipping is $1.99. I just filled a cart, to see what I'd get... and if I buy 17 pregnancy test strips, and one collection cup (they are not midstream tests... though the site has those too), shipping and all comes to 15.94!! What a deal! If I keep checking like I have been, I could use those up quickly!

Caught off-guard

2009-03-28T17:24:00.000-04:00

We've been ttc (trying to conceive) for over 7 years now and just when I think I have a handle on my emotions in the infertility department - I'm caught off-guard. This past friday my husband and I went to a b&b nearby and it was lovely. There's a couple in our ward who came over to watch the kids (we have one bio daughter, 7 yrs, twins, 4 yrs, adopted from Ukraine Nov 2008) for us overnight. This couple has been ttc for 8+ years and just recently became pregnant. While I can completely understand her elation at becoming pregnant, it was hard for me to hear about it - and it was all I heard from her. I wasn't in the mood for feeling sympathetic (which made me feel guilty) because she is feeling very nauseated and watching MY kids so I have some time away with my hubby. Infertility stinks.

Emily's Intro

2009-03-27T14:14:00.000-04:00

Hello everyone, my name is Emily. Hope is my sister-in-law and invited me to join. Rj and I have been married for 8, almost 9, months. We are originally from MI but since Rj is in the army we now live in Fort Polk, LA. Rj and I both decided that we would try for kids right away and we want to have as many as possible (Rj would like 12..Im more in the 8 or under party). We tried and got nothing while 6+ people got pregnant (3 of which called to tell us on the day we got negative tests). Last month we went to the doctor for something completely unrelated and the doctor (who im not even sure opened my file and looked at it) told me i most likely have PCOS and that my eggs are not developing fully when they are released, and the put me on the no carb diet. Im not sure i beleive this guy because he didnt look at my file while we were in his presence and did nothing about the problem of why we were really there, he just seemed to be on a no carb diet frenzy. We have to wait at least another 3 months to have any tests done if we dont mention Rjs deployement, which is very tempting, or another 7 if we do tell them about it.

People always tell me "it will happen when your ready" or "if you stress about it then it wont happen" ect ect. The worst part is watching people who dont want kids get pregant and then dont take care of them, which sadly we see often here on the military base. I think its harder here opposed to if we were in Michigan because everyone whose married has children so making friends is difficult because no one wants friends w/o kids for their kids to play with. Also goingt to church and having EVERY female ask us if we have kids and why we havent started yet just makes me ANGRY. I must say about this whole thing i am ANGRY and no one on my side of the family undertsnad and only Hope has offered a shoulder to cry on and (no offense to Hope) but its not the same as having your mom or your sister understand. Most people just think Im being crazy and its hard to call the ONLY person i know who would understand for fear she would think Im crazy too because she has been through much more than me.

Minor venting, sorry.

Intro to Tiffany

2009-03-26T21:55:00.001-04:00

Hi! My name is Tiffany and I'm living right now in Ithaca with my husband of four years and my three month old daughter, Taylor. I'm 25 years old and working on getting my masters in education online. I am so grateful for my little girl. We tried to conceive for over a year before getting pregnant. I took Clomid, took my basal body temperature every morning, tried ovulation tests, and any other thing that we thought might work. I remember how depressed I was when my period was 23 days late and after a blood test found out I was still not pregnant.

I think it's especially hard in our culture if you have problems conceiving. I was so frustrated by people teasing us about when we were going to start our family. When I did get pregnant I couldn't believe that one of my roommates from college left a comment on my blog saying she was glad that I finally joined the mommy club. Unless you've been through it yourself, it's hard to imagine how emotional it can be. Thanks for letting me be a part of this blog!

Thankful Thursday

2009-03-26T20:06:00.000-04:00

I would like to start a new little tradition, similar to Wednesday W's, but this time thankful thursday. With this blog being about such an emotional subject, it feels like few of our posts have positive themes. So....

What is one thing you are thankful for today?

Wednesday W's

2009-03-25T23:11:00.000-04:00

"W" (I can't seem to think of a way to turn this into a "w" question, so there is the honorary w to start the post)

If you had complete control over your family size, how many kids would you like to have?

Threatened miscarriage.

2009-03-25T20:43:00.001-04:00

So friends, things do not look good for my fledgling pregnancy. I started spotting at the weekend and it is progressing to heavier and heavier cramping and bleeding. I called my doc on Monday and saw a NP Tuesday. She did a pelvic exam, confirmed that I'm bleeding, and did a transvaginal ultrasound. She said that what she saw looked like a 4 week embryo, not a 7 week embryo like we were expecting. They also ran a blood test to check HcG -- Thursday they will run a second one. If the number has roughly doubled, then the pregnancy is probably still viable. If the number is the same or decreased, well...looks like this little sprout won't make it, unfortunately.

My suspicion is that the fertilized egg stopped dividing, and I'll be miscarrying. At this point, I don't know what's worse -- the emotional and physical pain of the miscarriage, or having a viable pregnancy get off to such a scary, rough start. With Richard I was on tenterhooks for 7 long weeks once they discovered he was too small and I had too little amniotic fluid at 28 weeks -- I can't imagine what my frame of mind would be like for the last 33 weeks of this pregnancy.

To top it all off, I spent a good chunk of Wednesday in the hospital with Richard, who was sick, dehydrated, struggling with ketones and low blood sugar. I couldn't get food or drink into him, which would have enabled me to get his blood sugars up so I could give him extra insulin to help clear the ketones.

It's just been a really hard, awful week.

Intro for Trish

2009-03-24T02:29:00.000-04:00

I went to college with Jill and she linked me here a few months ago, but I haven't posted. I guess I'm in denial about that "i" word.
I am 27 1/2 and have been married just over 6 1/2 years. We have an incredible daughter that turned 3 in January. We ttc for 18 months with her. At first it was just trial and error I guess, but then I started charting. I did just temp and pms symptoms at first, then later cf and cp. I also was using an otc progesterone cream. The month I finally got pg with her I was doubling the progesterone, but I don't know if that was relevant. I had a pretty easy pregnancy and delivery.
Unlike many people, I wanted my kids closer to 3 years apart than 18-24 mos. We started ttc #2 a few months before DD's (dear daughter) 2nd birthday and this month marks 18 months again. I haven't done any testing & haven't done any fertility treatments. Right now I'm looking for an ob/gyn here. There are a few that are highly recommended, but none of them deliver at the hospital that's close by.
I go through ups and downs. Right now is a good month and I'm okay and realize how great it is that I can focus on my daughter so much. I am thankful for many, many things in the way our family is right now. Some times, I get very discouraged and allow myself to focus too much on the fear that it may not happen again.
Disclaimer for the future-when I do get pg, I will probably not announce it here for awhile. We waited with DD and will w/ any other kids, then tell our families first (w/ her it was the day I hit 13 weeks). I've already got it all planned how we will tell our families-now I just hope we get to do that soon.

My experience with Accupuncture, herbs and MSAS

2009-03-23T22:29:00.001-04:00

Well, I'm back from a wonderful 10-day trip to MI and it was great to see some fellow Faith, Hope and Sorrow friends! While there, I was able to see the accupunctarist Stephanie has been going to.

Let me just say, I highly recommend trying Traditional Chinese Medicine! Accupuncture was amazing! And I was given some herbs that are the worst tasting thing in my life, but have already made a difference in how i feel.

If considering going the way of needles, check and see if the accupunctarist has an MSAS (I think that is what is it called) machine. It stands for something like Meridian something Assesment something... ok, so I don't remember what it stands for, but it was AMAZING! I included a picture of one of the machines in this post. What happened was, I held the metal bar in one hand and then she used the little black pointer thing (it reminded me of a ball point pen... no needles) and she touched 62 or so different "meridians" or points on my hands and feet that correspond to different organs/systems/responses of my body. The machine then measures the energy flow and whether or not that point was stressed. I got to watch everything on her computer and see the creation of a little graph. Then the machine separates the points that are the most stressed, or have the least amount of energy flow and we talked about what may be causing the problems. My number one area was my uterus. She put the pointer on a point on my foot and the little line on the chart dropped dramatically. She asked if I had been having miscarriages and said that for whatever reason the energy flow to my uterus is not good. She recommended deep breathing and keeping my abdomen and feet warm to help oxygenate the blood and increase circulation to my pelvic region.

The MSAS also picked up a thyroid problem. I have had a TSH blood test, which came back fine, but she suspects a T3-T4 or something like that problem. She said my body can make everything just fine, it's using what it makes that poses a problem. She listed 4 blood tests to talk to my doctor about. She said that may help explain my fatigue and cold hands/feet.

But the amazing thing about this MSAS machine is she could tell me things about myself that I didn't tell her... for instance, she could tell that I have horrible allergies that move into my lungs, that I manage to hurt/injur my right side of my body more than my left, and that I have gum problems (thanks pregnancy...). At first I thought this whole measuring energy thing was a bit hokey... I'm so used to western medicine and all of its terms... but there must be some sort of science to it since it was extremely accurate, and revealing!

After the MSAS assesment, we moved to the treatment room. She looked at my tounge and felt my abdomen. She told me that blood sugar problems run in my family (which I already knew, but hadn't told her) and that it is essential for me to eat small meals throughout the day with protein at each meal. She also believes that I have a gene which intercepts the break down of Folic Acid (I forgot the name of the gene) which leads to a build up of homocystene and simply prevents my body from using folic acid like it should. This can lead to stacking of the red blood cells and clotting, along with other complications. I found this to be interesting, since my dad's side of the family has clotting issues AND my nephew (who is severely autistic) had a gene work up and it was discovered that he has this same gene. The body breaks down Folic Acid in 5 steps, so the way to get around this problem is to take a simpler for of folic acid that has already broken down a bit. Unfortunately it's a lot more expensive than the $5 bottle of folic acid you can get at the store, but I think we are going to try it for a while.

The procedure itself, surprisingly didn't hurt... except for one point on my right arm... but that just felt like a regular blood draw needle. The first this she did was correct the length of my left leg. I had a 1/2 inch difference between my two legs (which I have been able to feel when standing). By increasing the energy to my pelvic region, everything realigned itself and my legs equalled out in 'length.' I was amazed when I stood up! And she did this in 10 min! I also had needles in my stomach, arms, legs and back. Everything was very relaxing. My 1 1/2 hour session was really 2 1/2 hours. It was pricey, $160 for the entire first visit.

I was able to have a second appointment Friday before I left. We started fertility treatments, and she stuck needles in my lower back, and then attached electrodes to the needles. It was a very interesting pulsing sensation as the electricity flowed. My second appointment was an hour and only $70. She also gave me a bottle of Cordyceps, a very interesting fungus that has many documented health benefits. Thankfully this herb falls under the "very safe" category and according to TCM affects kidney, liver and lungs. She said that with this increase of Qi, that it helps "prepare good eggs." It has has the wonderful effect of reducing fatigue (Chinese olympians use it to increase stamina and endurance), increasing libido (which is never bad when trying to conceive) and just increases your overall quality of life. And there is a strong link of helping people with chronic cough/asthma. The most comprehensive list, I've found, of studies done can be found here if anyone is interested.

Phew, I think that is it. I can't say enough good about my experience! What is wonderful is the benefits I received from my accupuncture visit are not only contingent upon receiving more treatments. I feel she gave me a list of things I can do on my own at home. We've spent time an money on doctors who can't seem to find anything wrong with me and who haven't given me any clue of what I need to be doing. The $230 I spent was well worth it! Another amazing thing to me is what happened to my charts. I finally had a period which started Thursday the 12th (after 60 days, which is very abnormal for me!) but my charts have been all over the place the last two months. For the first time since August, I'm finally seeing a clear temperature pattern... and it all started Tuesday morning.

She recommended 4 books about TCM and fertility, along with a diet book that has sample meal plans to help me get protein in each meal. I included the book I want to look at first to the right. Maybe it will be interesting to someone else as well.

Kristina needs to vent

2009-03-22T13:33:00.001-04:00

I was diagnosed with antithyroid antibodies, otherwise known as Hashimoto's disease. I display no symptoms whatsoever except for the infertility. I'm shocked and I'm saddened. This is an autoimmune disease, something that I'll have for my entire life. Just great. Just great.

I took the Femara this cycle and was thrilled that I had a follicle ready to trigger on Friday. So, we triggered. I had my IUI on Saturday. Then I went in this morning for an ultrasound to see if my follicle had released. It hadn't. It's still there. So my IUI was a big fat waste of time, energy, and $$. I'm irritated beyond belief. And sad that I won't get my chance this month. =(

I just needed to vent.

2009-03-20T21:46:00.000-04:00

Hello!

My name is Emily. I live in Michigan and know Jen L. and Stephanie P. My husband and I have been married for almost 6 years. I have a little girl that will be 4 in July. It took us 6 months to get pregnant with her. We have always wanted a big family, so we started trying for our second before Abby was 1. So in May we will have been trying for 3 years to get pregnant. It is so weird to read some of your posts, because I feel like you are saying my feelings exactly.

I have really irregular periods. My husband got a sperm count and that came back with good results. I haven't been in to see a specialist, mostly because of money and the stress. I was wondering how easy it is to get Clomid. I have been told that might work for us. But I talked with a nurse of a specialist and she made it sound like it was quite a big thing to be on it. She said usually you have to have a TSG first, and get your blood drawn and have ultrasounds. Pricing that was definitely discouraging. My husband has 1 1/2 more years of a PhD program, so we would have to wait until then to be able to pay out of pocket.

I am trying to do the Basal Body Temperature, but it seems worthless when my periods are 2-3 months apart.

Anyway, I just wanted to say I really appreciate reading this blog. This is a great thing that Jen organized.

Wednesday W's

2009-03-11T10:57:00.000-04:00

Which pregnancy test company are you keeping in business? (or at least prefer?)

Needles here I come!

2009-03-10T14:11:00.001-04:00

Thanks to Stephanie, I just made an appointment with the accupuncturist she sees in MI. I'll be out there this week and thought I'd take advantage of the recommendation.

I just had to say, it feels SO good to be back on the wagon of trying to do something! I was sort of at the end of tests and procedures to do with my doctor (other than drugs...) and it would be a lot of money for us to see a specialist up in Syracuse. But it's just nice to feel hopeful again. Maybe someone can help me figure out what's going on.

It is pricey... not as much as an RE. Thankfully (by a miracle) our insurance covered the semen analysis and my HSG 100%! (we were shocked!!) and so we really haven't invested any money in fertility treatments yet. This will be our first major investment.

My appointment is on Monday. I'll let you all know how it goes! :)

Frustrating cycle

2009-03-09T17:39:00.000-04:00

I've been meaning to post this for a while, but I haven't really wanted to think about what's going on (or not going on). It's amazing how some days I feel SOO hopeful that I could skip around and whistle all day :) And other days, I feel so saddened and hopeless that I feel like throwing up.

I have had the worst cycle! Firstly, it doesn't help that I had a miscarriage last cycle (which according to past history throws my cycle off (however this time I wasn't very far along at all... I was only late by about a week). When I had my first miscarriage I didn't have a period for 17 weeks. But the next cycle I was pregnant with MM). Secondly we have been under a LOT of stress in this household as of late. We have been really sick... all of us.. multiple times. Right when I was about to ovulate my daughter got a stomach bug and I was up a few nights with her. Then 4 days later I got the bug, along with a fever of 102 for two days... not good for little eggs trying to pop out. 2 weeks after that, my body tried to ovulate yet again, and my daughter got really really sick and I spent many nights awake and many hours 'stressed' about what was going on. I also had my HSG on day 8 of this current cycle... which my body didn't like as you can read in my post about that experience.

In short, I am currently on day 56 of my cycle. I haven't had a cycle this long since my first miscarriage. It looks like I finally ovulated, and have since had a beautiful triphasic temperature pattern (temperatures consistently into the 98's... which I rarely have). A normal luetal phase is 14-15 days, and I passed that, but I have also taken THREE pregnancy tests (well, one was a dud and didn't work).. all without even the faintest positive line.

On Feb. 15 we hit our 3 year mark between MM and next baby. If we would have conceived then, MM and baby 2 would have been 3 years apart. I know we've discussed on here a lot about the disappointment that comes when your "dream spacing" isn't achievable. I don't know why, but I was SO hopeful about this cycle. I had my HSG, I'd been taking care of myself, school was realtively stress free, we got Michael's semen analysis back and so we could adjust our timing accordingly. But even more than that, I just had that feeling... you know? Whatever it was, I just felt like "THis is it!" Now I realize I was just too hopeful.

In other news, we submitted part one (of a gazillion) of our adoption papers...

The plus sign cometh...

2009-03-09T17:11:00.001-04:00

After having one negative test a few days ago, a second one today showed a plus sign. I'm elated, but so scared, too. After the drama of Richard's pregnancy & birth (too little amniotic fluid, complete bedrest, a traumatic induction 5 weeks early, and a week in the NICU), and the shock of his Type 1 diagnosis at age 1, I know that this pregnancy could very well be another roller coaster ride for our family. I'm putting my faith in Heavenly Father that whatever comes, we'll be able to face it with courage, hope, and love.

I'm nowhere near close to 12 weeks yet (by my reckoning, it's more like 3-4), so the threat of miscarriage looms large for the next several months. I'm praying that this little person growing inside me can hold on until week 40.

I know I haven't posted much on here, but I hope that you'll keep us in your prayers. All of you continue to be in mine.

Femara?

2009-03-04T17:01:00.000-05:00

Has anyone here ever had any experience with Femara for infertility? It's actually a breast cancer drug, but it's been shown to help with infertility as well.

I met with my new Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) today, and he would like to try Femara with intrauterine insemination. Femara seems pretty simple, it's just a pill like Clomid. Should be much easier than the injectable drugs that I have done in the past. But I'm looking for personal stories about the "stuff" ;)

Anyone???

New Territory

2009-02-25T17:24:00.001-05:00

Lately I am joining clubs I never wanted to be a part of. First I joined the "infertility" club. I was getting used to being in that one, and though it wasn't easy, it was familiar territory. However, I just joined the "miscarriage" club, and that is not familiar territory for me. I'm not really sure why I'm writing on here, except that I don't know what else to do. I know some of you have experienced this, and of all people, you understand why a miscarriage is especially heartbreaking when you've been trying to have a baby for so long.

I just feel so lost, and so empty. Aside from our families, and a few close friends, no one even knew we were expecting yet. In some ways I want to wear a sign explaining my grief, since I know I won't be myself for a little while. But at the same time, I don't want to even talk about it, even to the people I am closest to. There just aren't words to say. I keep wandering around my house aimlessly. Normal mundane chores just seem stupid and pointless, and yet I can't bring myself to feel any joy at doing things I would normally do for fun.

One of the hardest parts for me is having to deal with the physical effects of a miscarriage. It's such an obvious, and literally painful, reminder of exactly what's happening, every hour, every time you go to the bathroom. I just keep taking my motrin around the clock, hoping that if I can't feel the cramping, I won't think about what's happening as much. I think that physical factor is also what puts a gap between my husband and I right now. He is sympathetic, and as sweet as can be. But he hasn't shed a tear, and I know it's partly because he never felt the connnection I did, and he doesn't feel the loss I am feeling now.

I know that people have had it so much worse-losing children, or pregnancies that were further along. I know that I will get over this, like everything else. But the part that is unbearable to me, is starting over. Every time I break down, I just think, "Why did it even have to happen in the first place?" I was used to the routine of not getting pregnant in the first place. It just seems cruel that I got to finally experience that sweet joy of seeing two pink lines, of learning a due date, of looking forward to cuddling a newborn baby again. My husband thinks we should look at it as at least we were able to conceive. But for me, it is no consolation, when it took so long to get to that point. I can't even bear the thought of starting at square one again.

Obviously any advice or words of encouragement from those who have experienced this would be great. But mostly, I guess I just needed a safe place to write my thoughts and feelings, where it would be private, and read only by people who can understand. It was therapeutic in a way, so thanks for reading.

Wednesday W's

2009-02-18T21:55:00.000-05:00

So my family has been horribly sick the past few weeks and I've sort of checked out of the blogging world.

What are your thoughts about Valentine's Day? Did you do anything special?

The Lowe Kids

2009-02-06T14:00:00.000-05:00

Here are our cute kids! So glad they're ours! (sealed Nov 2004)

Wednesday W's (a day late)

2009-02-05T21:56:00.000-05:00

What are your children's names? How did you choose them?

The VanBennekom's:

2009-02-01T14:04:00.000-05:00

I did a post a while ago on my family, I just thought I would include some pictures now. My husband,Kurt, and I have been married 5 years this July. We a beautiful daughter, Lillian, who is quickly approching the 3 1/2 mark. We TTC for just under two years and found out in Oct. we are finally expecting our second child. On Feb. 11 we discover baby's gender.

My husband is in his final semester of Law School. We are in the job hunting phase - yuck! I went to a community college and currently hold an Associates Degree. I taught preschool for about three years. I "retired" to be a SAHM. Some days I miss teaching, but I wouldn't go back unless I financially had to.

Lillian McKenzie:
Pictures taken for her 3rd birthday!

Our Family:

My hot husband and daughter. (Taken at my brother's wedding)

Aunt Flo

2009-01-31T21:46:00.001-05:00

So my period came today. Normally this would be sad - meaning yet another month that we're not pregnant. However, it's been 4 months since my last period came - so it's nice to see that perhaps SOMETHING is working right down there! :o) Thanks for letting me share.

My family

2009-01-30T14:22:00.000-05:00

Better late than never-it's been a busy week! Here are pictures of my little family. I think I introduced myself near the start of the blog, but for newbies who don't feel like going back to read....My husband and I will have been married for 5 years in June. We met through Institute while we were going to school. We have an adorable (if I do say so myself) daughter Skyler, who is 28 mos. old. She is the joy of my life, and I cannot even remember what life was like before her! My husband recently started his own landscaping business, and I am a nurse. I dropped to part-time when I had my daughter, but I still work two nights a week in the neonatal intensive care unit. Home with my daughter is still my favorite place to be, but thankfully (since it's necessary for me to work at least part-time) I love my job as well. Some of my other hobbies and interests include scrapbooking, reading, being outdoors, and exercising.

As far as fertility issues, we ttc for about 6 mos. with our daughter. It was longer than I expected, but once we did get pregnant, I didn't think too much about it. I still thought we could be one of those couples who gets pregnant the first month, with the next child. Well, we have long passed the 6 month mark now, and discouragement is setting in. Like so many of you, I didn't imagine having a big gap in between my children. I try to hold onto the hope that at least I know we can have kids. I know that there is something going on though, so that is what we are in the process of trying to figure out now. I recently started doing accupuncture, (see the post below), and it looks like I may be getting some answers there.

I appreciate having a place to vent, to receive love and support, and to just know I'm not alone in this. So many people act like we should just be satisfied with the child/children we already have. It's always nice to know there are people that understand what you're going through!

My experience with Accupuncture

2009-01-30T01:50:00.000-05:00

Some of you will remember me saying that I have been considering accupuncture for fertility treatments. I did a lot of research, and decided to give it a try. I have been twice so far, and I am thrilled with how it is going. At the first appointment, during her assessment, she came to the conclusion that my thyroid was off. I was a little leary, considering that my doctor had just checked it a month ago and it was fine. But I went ahead and asked my OB to order another thyroid panel and guess what? She was right. My thyroid levels came back out of whack, and way different than they were a month ago. Apparently if your hormones are out of whack, the levels can fluctuate, which is why it was fine last month. It makes so much sense, since all month I have been EXHAUSTED, and just attributed it to the winter blahs. The lab technician was laughing at me that I was excited about having some abnormal labs. But I was excited to know that I'm justified in paying for accupuncture, since she obviously knows what she's doing, as well as excited to finally have some answers about my health! I try hard to just leave it to Heavenly Father's timing. However, as all of you know, it's hard not to have some concrete answers as well. So...I guess we'll see what the next few months bring! It's sort of a double treatment, since I will be treating the thyroid issue with some herbs, as well as continue getting the actual treatments which help with infertility. I have really become a believer in all of this. In doing the research, I have read account after account of women who got pregnant within a few months of doing accupuncture. My actual accupuncturist has an 85% success rate for the women she works with for fertility.

For anyone who has ever considered accupuncture, it was actually a very pleasant experience! At the place I go to, it feels like you are at the spa. And being poked with the needles is nothing! I fell asleep during Wednesday's session, if that gives you any idea! I can't give a full sales pitch until I know if it works for me. But so far, I am convinced. I think certain cases will respond better to accupuncture than others, so if you already have a diagnosis, I would do some reading and see if it's one the diagnoses they recommend accupuncture for. I read the book What Your Doctor May Not Tell You About Getting Pregnant: Boost Your Fertility with the Best of Traditional and Alternative Therapies, by Raymond Chang. I found this to be very informative and helpful. Also, my accupuncturist recommended this book, The Infertility Cure: The Ancient Chinese Wellness Program for Getting Pregnant and Having Healthy Babies by Randine Lewis, although I haven't read it yet.

I would definitely recommend looking into accupuncture, for anyone who likes the idea of holistic or alternative therapies, whether you don't feel ready to go to the fertility specialist, or maybe if you haven't had success with that route. The only cons I can think of are expense-it's not cheap. We are lucky to have a health savings account that covers it, but I realize this could be a problem for some people. Also, if you have a particular phobia or problem with needles, it might freak you out. It really didn't bother me at all, but I have a friend who is terrified of needles who probably wouldn't be able to do it. Also, it's important to go to someone who specializes in doing fertility work, not just any accupuncturist. The woman I'm going to is wonderful!

I'd be happy to answer more questions if anyone thinks they're interested in this!

Wednesday W's

2009-01-28T23:06:00.000-05:00

Since stress can play a role in infertility (and because I'm in the middle of a stressful situation :) ) -

What do you do to relieve stress?

Flashbacks

2009-01-28T16:11:00.000-05:00

We've been pretty sick around here lately, and in an effort to keep myself from turning to mush I went through all of MM's small clothes. At first it was a lot of fun! All the cute little outfits and the memories that came with them. When I got to the 18 month pile, I pulled out little yellow pj's. I started to feel really sad as I folded the pj's neatly and stuffed them in the tub. I remember so clearly how MM looked in them and how the yellow made her little cheeks so cute and pink. "Will I ever pull these out again to put on a baby?" I wondered. The sadness washed over me. This week I have done a pretty good job of being hopeful and optimistic about the future... but I cried. I felt something close to despair. I'm storing all of these clothes in the hopes of another child, but what if all the closet space I am taking up to store pink dresses is in vain? Is there another baby girl for us? A baby boy? A baby?

As quickly as the sadness came, another memory came back. I bought those pj's from Salvation Army. I remember very clearly the day... a little over a year ago, we had no money, but MM needed warm clothes! I wasn't sure what to do. She didn't have a coat, her pjs were too small and not warm enough and going to the store to get new ones was simply out of the question! So I prayed for help. The idea came to go to Salvation Army. I went and there were 2 pairs of fleece pj's (that looked new!) and a warm winter coat with matching snow pants all in her size. Not only that, but it was a Tuesday and the clothes were 50% off. The sadness was replaced with gratitude. Even in the small things, the Lord has never let me down! He remembered my little family and the struggles we had in buying something as seemingly simple as pjs. Seems such an insignificant memory, but it made me aware that the Lord remembered me today... as he always does.

My family

2009-01-27T17:01:00.000-05:00

Here are some pictures of my family. I forget to check the blog now that it doesn't update in my google reader, I'll have to work on that.

Kaden

*Update: I recently started the EAGeR study, which is a study for women who have miscarried. It tests the effects of asprin in gestation and reproduction. Although kind of a pain, it has been somewhat helpful. I figure if I can get some help and also help others in the process, why not. They give you a fertility monitor to use daily (which you can purchase at several places online), it tells you if you are low, high or peak fertility. I just started my 2nd month in the study. I had myself totally convinced that I would get pregnant right away, which didn't happen. We are quickly approacing our year mark and it is getting harder each time I see that negative. Here's hoping that next month brings better results!

The Heller Family

2009-01-27T10:24:00.001-05:00

**I have tried and tried now to fix my pictures and they are just not working they way I wanted them to, so I am so sorry!**

First of all, can I just say how beautiful everyone's families are. Such good lookin' couples, and the children - just precious. I'm so happy to put a face to the name!

My husband Sam and I have been married for going on 9 years now. I am a stay at home mom and my husband is a GeoPhysicist. I've already told most of my infertility journey, but for a brief recap: we have secondary infertility. We got pregnant with our first son, Andrew, shortly after our marriage. We then tried for 2 years to have our second son, 1 year of that pretty continuously on fertility drugs or assistance of some kind. We finally got our Matthew in 2004. We then decided to try for our last baby right away, and surprisingly he only took 8 months (but 4 failed assisted cycles.) We have now been trying to have our last baby for almost a year with no luck other than a miscarriage in July 2008. We have had 5 miscarriages total.

Ok well I guess that wasn't exactly brief. =)

Here are me and Sam while we were dating

And our wedding, which was in the Oakland CA temple

Our first son, Andrew. He is almost 8!

Our miracle infertility baby, Matthew. He is 4 now.

(I am sorry to post this baby picture but the tearful look on my husband's face in this photo always gets me. We worked so hard for that baby.)

Matthew now

Our sweet little Nathan.

And finally, me! (With Nathan!)

WOW, sorry for the long post!!

Another negative test

2009-01-27T10:08:00.000-05:00

Another negative test today. I'm finally going to see the RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist.)

I will be making my appointment today. I can't believe it's come to this. Again. For the third time.

I'm not sure why I'm posting. Just felt like whining I guess.

hello

2009-01-26T17:46:00.000-05:00

I've been following this blog since it started but have not yet posted. My name is abby. I've been married for 5 1/2 years. Bronson is my husband and we have a little boy named Sam who will be 3 in february.

Here is my story. I miscarried before I got pregnant with sam. I was 12 weeks.. started bleeding.. went in.. no heartbeat. Got pregnant 2 months after with sam. Had a great pregnancy.. besides the first 17 weeks of throwing up. Had a great labor, but ending in a c-section.

Starting trying for number 2 a year ago. figured there was no way I would miscarry again.. and didn't even think twice about having a hard time getting pregnant in the first place.. since I had gotten prego pretty easy with my first miscarriage and Sam.

We tried for about 5 month and finally got pregnant. I know 5 months is not long.. but you know how long it seems when you are trying. Anyway went in for my first appointment at 12 weeks and there was no heartbeat. The fetus had died at about 9 1/2 weeks. I had to have a D&C.

We waited just one period before we started trying again. And have been trying again for the past 7 months..

I went into the doctor in october because I was feeling like I wanted to get things checked out.. and if there was a problem or something i wanted to get it taken care of sooner rather than waiting. Turns out I was low on my progesterone so he prescribed me prometrium. He told me to take that for 3 months and then to come back in if I hasn't gotten pregnant. So I did that and went back in. He gave me 3 choices. He told me we could do a small surgery type thing where they go in and check to see if I may have some scar tissue from my c-section that is causing problems, I could take clomid, or I could just keep taking the prometrium. He said it was totally my choice.. and since I am young (26) and its only been a year then there is no rush and he is not totally worried about it. I couldnt not decide on the clomid or no so he gave me the prescription and told me if I felt like I wanted to take it then great if not then dont..

so i went back and forth about taking it. I kept feeling like I was being completely impatient and trying to control something that I really had no control over. But then in the end felt like it was a good idea. I just took my last clomid pill yesterday and am doing ovulation tests.

I have debated on whether or not to post on here because there are so many of you who have been trying for alot longer than I have or have had other problems... You know when someone tells you they have been trying for 2 months and they are freaking out and you just want to punch them because that is nothing... I feel like I would be that person if I posted on here.. but going through this has made me rrealize that no matter how little or how long you have been trying... we are all trying and waiting for the same thing. And its hard when it isnt happening.

my spirits are finally up and I am feeling positive. I was struggling really bad during the months of october and november... But I have finally realized and come to terms with all of this. I was making myself miserable over something that I had no control over. Yes, it is heartbreaking and I would be lying if I didnt say I still am struggling.

I started praying to Heavenly Father to help me to deal with this better rather than asking to get pregnant. And my faith has grown so much! I am finally feeling happy. And I know Heavenly Father helping me.

The age difference thing has been super hard for me.. at this point my kids will be at least 4 years apart. But I realized that I have something that alot of my friends/family dont have. I get to have one on one time with sam for longer than alot of people do with their first baby's. And I am determined to make it great. I have great plans for Sam and I. I feel like I want to do all sorts of fun things that would be not possible or not as fun if I had another baby. I want to take full advantage of our time together. That is keeping me sane and getting me excited. I'm just hoping I can keep it up.

sorry this so sooo long. Thank you to whoever started this blog. I have felt great comfort in reading all of your stories.

Week 2 Goals

2009-01-26T17:19:00.001-05:00

How did everyone do drinking water? I'm not sure I drank 64 ounces every day, but I definitely tried to down more liquids! Keep drinking away!

Goals for week 2

Fitness- Add extra steps to your day. If you are going shopping park away from the door (hard to resist those close spots when you have kids and it's freezing, but use the cold as an incentive to walk quickly). Or abandon the remote- this way when watching tv/movies you have to get up to change the volume/channel/pause/etc. You could even walk around while brushing your teeth. Look for small ways to get those legs moving!

Nutrition (please post recipes if you have good ones!)- Say no to white! Try switching from white rice to brown, white pasta to whole wheat, regular flour tortillas to wheat/brown rice, white bread to wheat... try switching at least one thing to a healthier whole grain version.

Spiritual/emotional/mental- treat your husband to a week of surprises. Leave notes in his lunch/bag/coat, put candies in his shoes, make his favorite meal, try to do something to serve him and make him feel EXTRA special this week. If you are anything like me, I think I do a good job at letting him know I love him, and taking care of the basics (food, clean house, at least *try* to be happy) however the little extra special things have fallen by the wayside.

Post your experiences next week! And don't forget to post your favorite recipes!

My pictures!

2009-01-25T09:10:00.000-05:00

I sometimes wonder how you guys feel about me being on this blog since I'm not currently TTC. After my miscarriage, it took 6 months to get pregnant again, which in reality is a short time, but felt like an eternity. My second was conceived without us trying. And my third took over a year. At this point, we aren't trying for #4, even though we want more. We moved to Lansing, MI in July of 07 for a general surgery residency. We love it here and were very happy. But in October, Brad was offered a position in his specialty of choice, Ear Nose and Throat surgery in Philadelphia. He's been living in Philly since October, while I wait in MI for our house to sell in a wretched economy. It has been quite insane. But when I want to complain, I think of the amazing military families enduring so much more than I could imagine. At least I can call him when I want, chat on the computer, and see him once a month. So, I'm living alone with my kids (6, 5, 2). Pregnancy just isn't an option right now because it doesn't agree with me. I spend the entire 9 months puking and generally being miserable. I couldn't handle it along with being the sole-caretaker of 3 young children and trying to sell a house. I know my limits, and that would pretty much be it. The problem being that as miserable as my pregnancies are, we would love at least one more. But I fear that by the time it would be an option, I might take a long time to conceive again and there would be a huge gap until our last one. I wonder if I should just be happy with my 3, but I really want more. That's what is bouncing constantly around my head these days.....

And here are pictures of my family:

Introduction :)

2009-01-25T08:34:00.000-05:00

Hi! I'm Allie. Been ttc for about a year. We've been struggling with my doctor refusing to diagnose me because I am young in her eyes (23 in 2 weeks!) and she thinks that because I'm young, I shouldn't be worrying. Using her logic, it would seem that if I am young and have problems ovulating then it would seem to be more of a cause for worry instead of less... So we are in the process of searching for a new obgyn.

I've been married for a little over a year and just celebrated our 3 year dating anniversary :)

We live in Wisconsin, just moved here in February of 08, we thought it was going to just be one year but in the next week we will be at the one year mark and we are no where close to moving back to Michigan (where we're from) since there are no jobs in Michigan any more!

These are my babies :)

the love of my life & I on our 1 year anniversary trip :)

So that's me in a nutshell.

I love to quilt, crochet, knit. I am a housewife so anything having to do with cooking or baking or organizing, I love. I am also a Christian and I love to talk about my faith.

The Lowe's

2009-01-23T23:35:00.000-05:00

I've already introduced myself a bit, but here is a picture of me and my hubby. We were married May 21, 2005 in D.C. We currently live in Ithaca, NY and are here another 3 1/2 years while Michael finishes his PhD in Chemistry at Cornell.

And this is my pride and joy, Margaret! She turned 2 November 8th.

And just incase you didn't get enough of her cuteness, here is another picture :)

Can't wait to see your families!

2009-01-23T23:33:00.000-05:00

It's official. This blog is now private.

In honor of our privacy, I'd LOVE to see pictures of everyone and their family! Post away!

Adoption Questions

2009-01-21T15:09:00.001-05:00

We have been seriously considering adoption lately. I guess lately isn't exactly correct since even before we had Margaret we knew we wanted to adopt (regardless of our ability to have children). The thought has come up more frequently the past week and we have begun looking into adoption agencies, costs and criteria. Our main purpose in all of this was to collect information so if we don't get pregnant in the next 6 months-1 year we can move quickly to begin the long process.

Today I got the mail and was excited to see February's Ensign. Like normal I rushed home and plopped on the couch to read it. My eyes instantly welled up as I read some of the article title's listed on the front cover... one is about adoption. I slowly made my way through the Ensign to the middle of the issue and read the 8 page article. There are articles written by 4 different people (birthmother, birthfather, biological grandparents and child). The whole time I cried. I am so open to adoption, but at the same time, it's hard to think that perhaps we will never have another biological child. Part of me thinks the articles were mere coincidence, but the better part of me knows they probably weren't.

Anyways, I know there are a few women on this blog that have adopted. Where did you start? How did you find an agency? I know two of you went international... what was the experience? Any info you could pass along would be wonderful.

Wednesday W's

2009-01-21T15:07:00.000-05:00

What is one thing you have learned through all the struggles? (Feel free to comment or write a new post)

HSG

2009-01-20T16:29:00.000-05:00

Well, I had my first big test today. It was one to remember!

I was so nervous!! I had heard both good and bad things about this test so even before entering the room I was apprehensive. Much to my surprise it was a big room filled with a lot of neat looking technology, and already dark. My doctor was there already 'suited up' and Michael was given a wonderful leopard print apron to put on (lead of course... to prevent x-ray damage to him). I stood there talking to my doctor and he said there were 3 things that could go wrong. 1. Reaction to the dye 2. Infection and 3. he could poke a hole in my uterus with the catheter. He said #3 was extremely rare, but it did not help my nerves. I was near tears as he described what he had to do and how much it would hurt.

I hopped on the table and assumed the 'hello world' position. He cleaned my cervix and then it was off to the races. The machine was pulled over me and he inflated a little balloon and started to insert the dye. It was painless. No pain whatsoever. I couldn't believe how nervous and worked up I had become over it. Towards the end I started to cramp, but nothing serious.

Good news, tubes and uterus look just fine. Left took a little while to fill, but when I turned it filled and spilled immediately.

I got up and went to the bathroom to clean up a bit before walking to the woman's dressing area. My cramps started to pick up a bit, but still nothing serious.

Well, in the women's dressing area I went to the bathroom yet again and while I was in there I felt the need to throw up. I pulled the trashcan over then I felt sweaty and cold all at once. The room started to spin and I knew I was in serious trouble. I pulled the nurse's cord in the bathroom just in time. At that moment the technician knocked on the door. She saw michael still in the waiting room and thought I was taking a long time and came to check on me. She saw the light go on and broke in. She called for a nurse and a stretcher and the next thing I knew I was asked to move my arms and I couldn't do it. I had monitors hooked up to me and 4 women were moving me from the toilet to the stretcher. They moved me into the nurse's bay, called my doctor (who was already home) and wrapped me in warm blankets and fed me juice and crackers. When my doctor came, he wanted to move me into the E.R. Luckily it took them a while to prepare a room for me and by the time it was ready I was back to normal, cramp free and all.

Supposedly my body reacted in some really rare way (the technician told me she hadn't seen this kind of reaction before, except in women who had their tubes tied, and then reversed and then had an HSG to see if the un-tied tubes were working). Apparently my body just didn't like the dye in me and wanted to make it clear. I think it was that in combination of my nerves. Even with all my crazy events it only took an hour and a half to be completely cramp free and feeling normal again.

Even with my strange experience, the day was just fine. The cramps never got worse than anything I couldn't handle (although they were reminiscent of when I was dilated to a 4 when I had Margaret) and it was worth being able to know that everything is well with my organs. So if anyone else is considering having one, don't let the doctor's warnings scare you (nor let my story scare you either... it's not an everyday occurrence!)

Week 1 Goals: Toast to a new year

2009-01-19T19:05:00.000-05:00

Alright, so here are this week's goals to becoming healthier in 2009.

Fitness/healthy eating- Drink 8 glasses of water a day. This week, make a conscious effort of drinking more water. If you already drink 8 glasses a day, great! It seems like every fertility site I go to, when reading about how to be more healthy, drinking water is always mentioned. Water has a lot of great benefits and is essential in being more healthy and losing weight. Give it a try and see how it goes. Try keeping a piece of paper by your faucet and making a tally mark each time you fill up. Or fill a water bottle and keep it along with you. I believe the recommended 'serving' is 8 ounces, so one water bottle can count as more than one glass for the day. Or set out 8 (if you have 8 to spare) cups and use a new one each time so you can keep track. However you do it, try to fit in the servings each day.

spiritual/mental/emotional- Pick a favorite hymn and make it a part of your week. Write the words out and put it on your mirror, humm it while working, read the scriptures that accompany it, memorize a verse. It can be a hymn of comfort or a pick-me-up. If it's a familiar hymn try to use a verse other than the first (my hymn for the week is verse 4 & 7 of How Firm a Foundation... we never sing verse 4, verse 7 more so and they are great!)

Look forward to hearing how everyone does by the end of the week.